"The military uses for this are endless. Especially for crazy bald bad guys with cats." Jessie Krufts, James Bond Impersonator
Only days after we published pictures of some royal family or other joking about and playing Hitler in the back garden in 1933, evidence that supermarkets are making customers do the Hitler Salute when getting items from high shelves has been shown to this investigative newspaper for the first time.
"It's far too close to a hotdog, almost cannibalism." Kent Rugby, Catcher
"I always sleep with my tongue out of my mouth. It scares the home help every time." Fred Flunkee, Good Ole Boy
Pluto, the one time planet finally pictured by NASA after a probe traveled 9 zillion-gagillion-billion miles to see it close up for the first time yesterday, is also a Greek God who presides over the afterlife, it has been discovered.
"Try a bit of Elvis Presley next time, I used to scream at him when I was their age." Fred Flunkee, Hoola Hooper
"If you can't buy ice cream from a stranger who can you buy it from?" Jessie Krufts, Stranger
94 year-olds across the country are to have a minute's f*ck off today at 11:30 today in solidarity with Prince Philip, a 94 year old told this newspaper.
"That's why The Queen has to practice putting her crown on. If her eyes go like that she looks really funny." Harry Zonderblurb, Psychiatrist
"That's probably why you never see a cat with a six pack." Kent Rugby, Motivator
"On balance, I would say it is much less annoying than slow honking." Jessie Krufts, Scientist
If they want to vote YES in the Greek referendum, Greeks, some as old as 107, have been told they must vote 'NAI', which sounds just like 'NAH', according to English speakers.
"Didn't they do that to some guy on The Sopranos once?" Jimmy Popper, Satire Critic
"Yes, he's got the bear 'boingy' movement down pat. Kudos." Jessie Krufts, PE Teacher
Animals, some as hairy as dogs, are all panting with their tongues out in an attempt to cool down this week as temperatures soar to boiling point in some parts of the country.
Aries: The moon is set to eclipse Pluto this month but you won't notice this because Pluto is not visible in the sky even if you squint. Even so, this will play havoc on any of your transport plans and indicates considerable difficulty driving, flying and walking. Take extra precautions when walking around corners on the 6th.
"That's the hairiest guy I've ever seen in a swimming pool, and I've been using public swimming pools all my life." Harry Zonderblurb, Butcher
Greece needs more Euros.
The banks have eaten all the Euros.
With no new Euros to eat the banks will die.
The Euro will probably continue.
The banks have eaten all the Euros.
With no new Euros to eat the banks will die.
The Euro will probably continue.
"It makes a change from all those bear swipes cat to its death with paw videos."
"Yea! At last a dog relieving himself without the nasty emissions normally associated with that statement. Although I do hope somebody checks for what looks like a brown dead fish after he gets out." Jessie Krufts, Puppy Carer