TheNilAdmirari

NEW YORK CITY (The Barbed Wire) - According to Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan, the giant snowstorm named Jonas that is pounding the East Coast this weekend is God's punishment for the snub of black artists for this years Oscars by the voters from what he called the Motion Picture Academy of Arts & Racists.

In a scandal that could derail his presidential ambitions just days before primaries begin, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) stands accused of using campaign funds to purchase socks he discovered in an Alabama department store bargain bin.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she thought her favorability among Americans would improve if she attacked U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for championing policies most Americans supported. Clinton dismissed criticism she was using the same strategy utilized by her 2008 campaign, which resulted in Clinton losing the Democratic presidential nomination to then-U.S. Senator Barack Obama of Illinois.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, 9-1-1 operators across the country announced they were bracing themselves for a sharp rise in calls related to shattered television and computer screens during the Republican presidential primary debate tonight. Virtually all 9-1-1 operators and heightened numbers of first responders will be working tonight, and both groups expected injuries like lacerations, severe blood loss, electrocutions, and wounds filled with glass, among many others.

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Sempra Energy declared the uncontrolled, gargantuan natural gas leak at its Aliso Canyon Oil Field was actually releasing desperately needed methane into Earth's atmosphere. The parent corporation of Southern California Gas Company (SoCal) asserted methane was "like vitamins for the atmosphere," and that over 2 million tons of vitamins had been dispatched since the leak started on October 23rd, 2015.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a TNA survey found Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was surging with Americans harboring low expectations and no ambition for a better future. Clinton held a dominant lead over her primary rival - U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - with the support of 87% of Americans who expected no improvement in their circumstances while she was president.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton accepted the Democratic presidential nomination after barely winning Iowa in the closest caucus in the state's history to U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, who has been characterized as unelectable. Political observers called Clinton's acceptance of the Democratic presidential nomination "bold and slightly premature."

"Just look at how much fun this walrus is having," stated Palin, who sat in a golf cart wrapped in what appeared to be chicken wire while the flippered marine mammal she named Buttercup growled, grunted, and whistled.

"The F-35 can be utilized about twelve times every year. In between these missions it will require weeks of maintenance to address the damage it sustained from being exposed to direct sunlight, rain, wind, and the Earth's atmosphere," explained Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reminded Americans the speaking fees and other forms of compensation she had received from Wall Street were completely legal. Secretary Clinton's public service announcement was her response to U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont accusing her of corruption and being a pawn of Wall Street, which he repeated during their debate last night.

"Forty-three percent of American voters are very disturbed by Bernie Sanders, because they see his honesty and consistent record as something comparable to a dragon or a unicorn," explained Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider, who noted dragons and unicorns were viewed less favorably than Sanders and more favorably than Hillary Clinton.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton repeated her belief that being a woman was a professional qualification for the presidency, and told women they must vote for her because she is also a woman. In doing so, Secretary Clinton's logic inadvertently told American women they must also vote for the likes of Sarah Palin and Carly Fiorina simply because they were also women, which automatically made them qualified for the presidency.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Barack Obama announced he was very concerned Democratic presidential hopeful U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont would actually give all American citizens healthcare as a human right. Obama explained former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was his Democratic presidential contender of choice, because he wanted a successor who would not make him look bad.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was genuinely surprised so many Americans still recalled her close friend and foreign policy counselor Henry Kissinger was a war criminal guilty of genocide. Clinton also confessed she was not surprised U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - her chief rival - remembered former Secretary of State Kissinger was a horrible person directly responsible for the deaths of millions of innocent people due to Sanders being "very, very old."

BROCKTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Massachusetts man with a record of following right-wing media observed it was cold outside, and shared his observation on social media to embarrass the world's scientists. Thomas Basil, a construction worker and married father of two, used his superior deductive reasoning skills to shame science and destroy the scientific theory of global climate change with his rival scientific thesis that climate change was bullshit.

President Obama nominates himself to fill the vacant seat on the Supreme Court after the death of Justice Antonin Scalia. Obama states he would like to see whether Senate Republicans want to block his Supreme Court nominee more than they want him out of the White House.

McConnell continued, "I am extremely confident Senate Republicans are on track to help the GOP lose its third presidential election in a row, and maybe even a house of Congress if we play our cards just right."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, far-right radio personalities claimed the death of Justice Antonin Scalia was part of an elaborate plan concocted by the White House to appoint a liberal replacement to the Supreme Court. The notable far-right rabble rousers asserted Scalia was assassinated by a government-brainwashed bald eagle, which stealthily entered Scalia's room, suffocated him with his own pillow, and hastily flew back outside to freedom.

BROCKTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Massachusetts man with a record of following right-wing media declared he was angry at the United States Postal Service (USPS) for losing money every year by sending him sales flyers without charging the businesses that make them. Thomas Basil - a Republican, construction worker, and married father of two - loudly derided the Post Office for imagined slights against him and his fellow Americans, and completely ignored the actual causes of the organization's financial problems.

Gore remained in awe of Scalia's "strict constructionism."