Last minute negotiations with the government to quash an extended weekend have fallen apart. Whilst the retired, the sensible and those with poor personal hygiene have done whatever the hell they want for 72 hours, everyone else - unable to master birth control - was left with 3 hellish Groundhog Days of cleaning things up, continuous yelling - pausing only to wipe their own tears.
A bright green bottle of herbal bath oil has been won for the hundredth time after being donated as a raffle prize an average of five times a year for each of the past 20 years. Initially bought as a present for a teacher in Gloucester’s St Swithin's Primary School in 1996, the prize is still in perfect condition, never having been opened by any of its temporary owners.
‘Too often radical thinkers such as myself are left with no choice but to hide in lofts or wander the diaspora, concealing their true identity for fear of how the majority will treat them,’ he said. ‘What we need is a new state where we can practice our ideology without fear of persecution.’
Faced with a slowdown in sales and resulting decline in its previously boundless profits, Apple is believed to be secretly planning a new version of its hugely successful iPhone. Tapping into current concerns about the environment, it is understood that the designers will endeavour, whenever possible, to use natural materials in its construction.
South Yorkshire Police has admitted responsibility for everything that has ever been wrong with the great city of Liverpool and the cheeky little scallywags who call it home. The police will also retrospectively apologise for any other grievances Liverpudlians may remember or dream up in future.
Crisp salesman Gary Lineker has been awarded the 2016 Nobel Prize in Economics for his divorce equation. ‘The key variables are how long you’ve been married, how many fit birds you meet per week and whether you’re a bit bored. I’m working on a combined dating, marriage and divorce app which turns every quickie into a quickie divorce,’ he said.
danielbgates
Following the roaring success of the original Australian hostage/apology comedy film starring Amber Heard and Johnny Depp, Warner Brothers have announced that a sequel is already planned. ‘Australian Apology 2: Ruff Justice’ will feature the Yorkshire terriers Pistol and Boo voiced by Heard and Depp in a body swap comedy based in and around the Australian outback.
A vote to leave the EU will mean fewer musical icons and other high profile celebrities will die, according to Vote Leave.
A man has been faced with the Herculean task of choosing to mourn the passing of a celebrity on social media.
Simon Williams, from Great Yarmouth, had to take a whole day off work to make the decision.
Simon Williams, from Great Yarmouth, had to take a whole day off work to make the decision.
The simpering population of the UK turned out in dozens yesterday to mark the birth of yet another lizard overlord. Obsequious to the point of nausea, the people of Britain displayed their loyalty by kowtowing, making a kissing sound and letting the Queen 'rub their tummy'.
In what is seen as a ‘tat for tit’ retribution for the US State denouncing pornography as a public health risk; those in the sex industry have labelled Utah a ‘hazard to getting laid’. With a population 63% Mormon, Utah has been accused of being a natural barrier to multiple orgasms, although most polygamous residents have no problem achieving ‘simultaneous wives’.
Justice Secretary Michael Gove has denied ‘being in a complete sulk’ after George Osborne told Vote Leave supporters they were being very silly and should just snap out of it if they knew what was good for them and wanted to see the new Jungle Book film on Saturday.
Leaving the European Union would ‘vastly increase the problem of flatulence’ according to George Osborne. Whilst there is little evidence to support this claim, it does appear to resonate greatly with the public, with many understandably fearful of the implications if true.
Wave after wave of French cars and vans crossing the channel to stock up on cheap Pot Noodles, microwave ready meals and Cup-a-Soups.
Launched like a tortoise out of a grey-hound's trap, The Daily Chilcott's first headline was the revelation that: 'computers may one day be can be networked together'. In further breaking news it predicts the creation of an 'Internet', a confluence of computing resources that can share information.
Alongside their decision to limit the cost of away tickets next season, football club owners have plan to ‘once and for all’ rid the Premiership of the embarrassment that is Aston Villa – although many feel Villa’s self-imposed limit on wins ‘may be enough’.
More Conservatives are under pressure from George Osborne to publish the wildest dreams they are rich beyond, in an attempt to divert public attention; dreams that may involve 'Theresa May and a giant squid'.
The sudden and unexpected demise of American musician David Gest in Canary Wharf has sent the government department responsible for issuing 'National Treasure' status announcements into a tailspin.
The Government has realised that our greatest sporting triumphs can only be achieved by Yorkshiremen and women - such as Danny Willett's 2016 Masters Golf victory, the 2015 Ashes winning Yorkshire County Cricket Club, and Bogsnorkelling World Record holder Haydn Pitchforth - meaning that all the unemployed are 100% guaranteed to become world class sportsmen and women.