TheNilAdmirari

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations announced it was exiling former Governor Lincoln Chafee to Block Island, located approximately 13 miles south of the Rhode Island coast, following his performance at last night's Democratic presidential debate. Rhode Island Governor Gina Raimondo announced Chaffee - who was also mayor of the state's second largest city before representing Rhode Island as a US Senator - was being exiled due to a public outcry in response to his "highly embarrassing...

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC-04) - chairman of the eighth Select Committee on Benghazi - announced his lawyers had instructed him to begin practicing the phrase "I plead the Fifth." The legal advice followed allegations Gowdy may have violated federal law when he fired Benghazi investigator Maj. Bradley Podliska - an active member of the Air Force Reserve who criticized Gowdy's investigation for focusing primarily on Hillary Clinton - and may have violated federal law again when he tried to discredit Podliska by releasing confidential information...

SYRIA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Syrian civilians who have not fled their war-torn country declared they largely did not know what air strikes were "friendly" and what air strikes were "hostile." They also explained Russia's bombing of Syria had made identifying whether civilians were being killed by a "friendly air strike" or a "hostile air strike" even more difficult.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson announced he "wouldn't just stand there" if a nuclear warhead was dropped on him. Carson stated he "didn't care" whether the nuclear warhead "came from Russia or Ethiopa or wherever," because he "would stop it" and not allow himself "to become a victim like all those unarmed Americans who have died in America's plague of mass shootings."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was going to legally change her name to "Bernie Sanders." Clinton's decision to change her name followed weeks of her claiming to have exactly the same progressive positions as rival Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, who continued to gain on Clinton in various polls of likely Democratic primary voters.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, teabaggers in the House of Representatives stated they "didn't care" who was the next Speaker of the House and announced their intention to burn down the Capitol Building after years of failing to completely paralyze the government, make it default on its debts, and destroy the American economy. The teabagging members of Congress explained they "were tired" of trying to use "unAmerican and unpatriotic law-based methods" to impose their uncompromising extreme-right objectives on the country, and were "being forced to burn down the Capitol Building by Repu

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, the campaign of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton announced the candidate was under the influence of shrooms when she voiced opposition to the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) yesterday. Hillary Clinton confirmed she ingested "a lot" of shrooms just before claiming she opposed TPP, and confessed it would be ridiculous for Americans to believe such a statement in light of her negotiating and promoting of TPP as Secretary of State - and continuing to promote TPP after resigning.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Fox News loose canon Bill O'Reilly stated the government giving corporations "free stuff" was patriotic, but the government giving the American people "free stuff" was "absolute socialism" and "outrageously anti-American." O'Reilly presented his "fair and balanced" strongly held, fact-challenged insights on "free stuff" during the entertainment network's morning show "Fox & Friends," and railed against Democrats in general, and Hillary Clinton and "that terrible socialist" Bernie Sanders, specifically.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the campaign staff of Republican presidential candidate and fired Hewlett-Packard (HP) CEO Carly Fiorina demanded they receive prepayment for their services. The demand cited Fiorina's refusal to pay campaign staff - and others - after losing her 2010 bid to unseat Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), her general mismanagement of funds during that campaign, and "a clear pattern of maliciousness directed at employees" dating as far back as her time at HP.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Wall Street released a statement to the American people urging them "to invest every last penny they could find in the stock market." The Wall Street proclamation promised Americans the stock market was "completely solid and not grossly overvalued due to market manipulation," and that it would "never go down in value."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the results of a TNA study regarding guns being used for personal protection was released. The data concluded most Americans were not important enough to have to worry about ever using a gun for self-defense, and discovered most Americans who believed they needed a gun for self-defense had poor reasoning skills, overestimated their importance, and were suffering from narcissistic personality disorder.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Republican presidential campaign of former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush announced Jeb would wear a shock collar "to prevent him from speaking, which is not in his best interest if he wants to win the White House." The transition to a "nonverbal campaign" followed a rising slew of insensitive, politically tone deaf comments that showed Jeb to be completely out of touch with reality, and the majority of the American people.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admiari) - In the wake of yet another senseless mass shooting in America, the Republican National Committee (RNC) announced its presidential candidates had pledged to make every future campaign event - including debates - a "mandatory gun zone" to show their support for a gross misreading of the Second Amendment. RNC Chairman Reince Priebus denied Republican candidates were forced to choose whether to support the mandatory gun zone edict or drop out of the race, and declared candidates were required to give a gun to any supporter that showed up at a campaign event...

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the White House refused to confirm reports the United States military had started to slowly back away from Syria immediately after Russia started airstrikes in the war-torn country. President Obama declared he "really hoped" brutal Syrian President Bashar al-Assad would not be saved by his Russian ally President Putin, but also confessed, "it would not be the worst thing in the world if Russia was left holding the bag in Syria."

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Fox Entertainment Group, Inc. apologized for any confusion and announced Fox News was not a news network and never had been. The parent company of the non-news network declared Fox News was actually a bold reality show giving Americans a live look into the world of people so mentally ill they needed to reside in a mental health facility for the safety of others and themselves.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - House Oversight Committee Chairman Jason Chaffetz (R-UT-03) denounced Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards' "uncooperative attitude" during the Planned Parenthood hearing earlier today. Chaffetz and his male Republican peers were very critical of Richards for denying that abortion led to an "angry, raging vagina" that killed the stork created by God to deliver the child to its parents.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Congressional Teabagger Caucus warned Americans it would punish the poor, sick, elderly, veterans, starving children, and many other groups if Democrats and President Obama did not allow teabaggers to punish women by defunding Planned Parenthood. The right-wing extremist faction of the Republican Party - the self-proclaimed "party of fiscal responsibility" - assured all Americans it would disrupt benefits to the most vulnerable members of American society, and actually cost taxpayers more money by shutting down the government in less than two days...

MOREHEAD, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Last week, a bigoted Kentucky woman who has been breaking federal law and disrespecting the supreme authority of the Constitution since late June - all because she hates "the gays" - was awarded a plaque by a well-known national bigoted organization for being a prominent bigot in 2015. Today, the notable bigot displayed her bigot plaque in the office where she continued to not do her job, and returned to making a mockery of the rule of law while she hid behind her religion to continue being bigoted.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the corporate media in the United States announced it was "upset" unapproved Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont was "doing well," and seemed to be reaching Americans with his populist progressive message despite their overt efforts to pretend he did not exist. The decidedly right-wing corporate media also asserted it was "shocked" the narrative for the presidential election was not going the way it had planned, as Sanders continued to beat Hillary Clinton in various polls.

THE PENTAGON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter defended the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter from critics who claimed the aircraft's wings randomly falling off was "a serious and potentially dangerous design flaw." Lockheed Martin announced it was "looking into the alleged wing malfunction," and would require "no less than another billion or so" to remedy what it classified as "a low-priority design glitch."