Polluting the air with the sound of bagpipes will now be punishable with up to TWELVE years imprisonment.
The plan will see the railways put back in the hands of the British people whilst Southern Rail are ousted in favour of the vastly more friendly and efficient Thomas & Friends network.
The man, Michael Rowland, 23, was seen playing the game on his mobile phone before jumping up in delight and running off the beach into the sea. Witnesses report him shouting ‘Gyarados, it’s a Gyarados!’ before he became submerged in the briny deep.
For a small window of time, it seemed like the coup had been a success, with the militants controlling the streets and ordering the public to go home and stay quiet. However the people revolted and the coup failed, leaving the democratically elected leader still in charge.
At a hastily arranged press conference the veteran lothario said: ‘I’m delighted to have achieved such a milestone. It is tribute to my undying virility and sex appeal that at 72 I have fathered so many children but as you all know if you start me up I can’t stop.’
Doctors say Patrick had enough cigarette smoke in his system to kill a baby elephant. Despite working tirelessly throughout the night, they failed to save the lifelong smoker who had begun to feel slightly nauseous after his 25th cigarette on one of his many smoke breaks earlier that day.
The Ministry For Running About is a new ministry that aims to encourage people to get out on the streets and run more. Theresa May could think of no-one better to lead it than Stephen Hawking, despite the fact he is not an MP.
Pokemon GO, which hasn’t even been officially released yet in the UK, has seen the number of Gastly attacks rise sharply. Many are now wondering what the result of the hard launch will be.
In Hitler’s first book, Mein Kampf, he mainly discussed his love of camping and his hatred of shrews. It’s a book that is still popular today.
Leadsom, who is in a real-life battle with Theresa May to be the next Conservative Party leader, says she managed to finish the game over the weekend.
‘I’ve struggled all my life with my weight. I’d thought about trying everything but all the options seemed so difficult. Instead I just thought “to hell with it” and decided to live my life my way.’
Currently, Irish women seeking abortions must traverse the English Channel either by boat, plane or indeed by swimming through sub-zero waters. This also applies in the case of pregnancy by rape or incest and in the sad instances of fatal fetal abnormalities.
‘The weekly mass shootings we could just about take, but this is getting a little too much even for us,’ said proud American and gun-owner, Randy Manning, 37.
They are hopeful that the gift will convince the PM that he is beloved by the public and that handing over the reigns to Theresa May or Andrea Leadsom would be a bad idea.
The group, Feminists For Society, has accused the sandwich giant of sexism after one of its members personally witnessed a male customer ask a female employee to make him a sandwich. An act that she carried out as if it was her duty.
The report was 2.6 million words long but, most importantly, ended with the words ‘Blair did it’. Since its release, Tony Blair has spent every hour in The Winchester drinking away his sorrows.
Whether it’s leading your country into a false war, not protecting classified emails, avoiding tax, fiddling expenses, or diddling kids; you can get away scot-free as long as you’re a politician.
‘The best way to ensure the safety of the most precious gift of new life is to provide access to adequate protection from an early age,’ said the Vice President of the National Rifle Association, Wayne LaPierre, at an emergency meeting yesterday.
‘I’ve sent out so many CVs and been to dozens of interviews, but every single one of them has been utterly unimpressed by my ‘Good Behaviour’ award. Don’t they realise it means I can behave good? It’s like the certificate is meaningless,’ said Darren.
The fireworks will make a welcome change from automatic rifles that can shoot hundreds of bullets a minute. The death count from firework play is expecting to be in the dozens, rather than the hundreds.