A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS
Dwarf Tossers Association Sagittarius Horoscope Of the Year 2014
Welly Boot Tossers Association Special Wellington Boot Award November 2013
Big Band Waap Waap Special Trombone Award For Predictions Involving Wind, March 2012
"So that's where I put my bug shaped hat." Jessie Krufts, Hat Collector
Speaking in a Russian interview, former chairman of FIFA, Sepp Blatter, has admitted he was building an evil world empire like a typical bad guy in a James Bond movie. This just days following the Spectre premiere, the latest James Bond movie, in cinemas.
"That would be even funnier if it was a person in a hamster suit. Sports mascots take notes." Jessie Krufts, Hamster Designer
A TalkTalk executive is recovering with concussion after a trip to the toilets led to hilarity, experts close to the source have reported.
From Our Time Travel Markets Correspondent: Just hours before Marty McFly was due to appear out of thin air, the price of flux capacitors slumped as much as 7% on markets around the world as traders took their throttle off the gradient on the upwards stream. That's according to traders in the gumby place.
"I never knew those dolls were bullet proof. I suppose if you think about it they need to be quite tough or they'll puncture." Jessie Krufts, Scientist
From Our Asia Correspondent: China guessed its economic growth at 6.9% today, a full 0.1% above what some analysts had expected would possibly be the figure they plumped for, and just a dot away from 69 one of the most sexy numbers in history, according to statistics released today.
A conkers match in a local primary school had to be stopped today after three children bruised their little feet, according to witnesses at the scene.
"Ew. That's like an off color Barney. 3/10." Jessie Krufts, Childrens TV Presenter
"Yay! They could do that twice a day if Dad was a postman." Jessie Krufts, Doesn't Get Out Much
Miss Piggy, the wildly successful late night chat show host on The Muppets, is not going to meet the prime minister after all, scotching hopes she will be able to make an appearance with the prime minister on the BBC's Farm Animals in Need, imminently.
"Flat footed varmint! GETOUTTAHERE!!! YAH!" Fred Flunkee, Varmint Catcher
"That's the most boring video game I have ever seen. GET A MOVE ON!" Jimmy Popper, Gamer
From Our Foreign Correspondent: England's rugby team was beaten to a pulp by foreigners coming in to the country and this must stop if England is ever going to win a World Cup again, claims Theresa May in a speech to the Conservative conference this week.
"But how many Chinese people jumping together on it strong is the bridge? You call this reporting?" Jessie Krufts, Geographer
England's rugby team are now so bad that they have started to apologise for their performance before the last game has been played, that's according to apologies seen by this newspaper last night.
From Our Politics Correspondent: Just hours after the new leader of the Labour party said he will never press the nuclear button, sources inside Number 10 are scurrying around trying to find the nuclear button, it became apparent when officials were seen scurrying around through the window.
A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS
The Fight For Your Right To Read Tabloid Horoscopes In China Award, August 2014
Breakdancer Magazine Horoscope Injury Prediction Of The Year, 2013, Ankle And Knee Section
Best Aquarius Synchronised Swimming Prediction Involving Ocean Vegetables, February 20
The Fight For Your Right To Read Tabloid Horoscopes In China Award, August 2014
Breakdancer Magazine Horoscope Injury Prediction Of The Year, 2013, Ankle And Knee Section
Best Aquarius Synchronised Swimming Prediction Involving Ocean Vegetables, February 20
"The aggressive cock sure always beat the passive do gooders. Unless you are Donny and Marie." Jessie Krufts, Pacifist