TheNilAdmirari

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, staffers representing most of the Republican presidential candidates met to discuss the demands they will make of all future debates, but the meeting quickly focused on ponies. Staffers agreed every candidate should have a debate animal to sit on, and a majority of the presidential campaigns voted for debate ponies.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, presumptuous Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was considering Dick Cheney for her old job at the U.S. Department of State. Clinton explained Cheney "made sense" as Secretary of State since her foreign policy would resemble the Cheney-inspired preemptive war policy used by President George W. Bush, and pointed to her consistent record of wanting to go to war with countries predominantly located in the Middle East and North Africa.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush was widely criticized for his latest jobs plan failing to get presidential rival Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) back to work. Bush's plan was declared "a complete failure" by conservative and liberal observers alike for its exclusive reliance on guilt, and failure to give Rubio any incentives to get back to work.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she will dress up as a Walmart cashier for Halloween. Clinton declared her costume selection was meant to inform Americans she sat on Walmart's board of directors from 1986 to 1992, and was complicit in outsourcing American jobs to foreign sweatshops while she actively worked against labor unions.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, all of the Republican presidential candidates announced they would be taking their blatant lies and distortions to "safer" conservative propaganda outlets following Wednesday's CNBC debate where they were all confronted on some of their lies. The Republican National Committee (RNC) also declared it was "breaking up" with NBC as a result of the last debate, even as NBC promised to "better accommodate" Republican lies in the future.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI-01) officially lost the Republican contest to not be Speaker of the United States House of Representatives. Speaker Ryan garnered 236 votes to succeed John Boehner (R-OH-01), and declared his defeat to what he described as "one of the most shameful American legislative bodies in our history" prior to threatening all of America with what was to come.

BOULDER, COLORADO (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Republican National Committee (RNC) announced tonight's presidential debate on CNBC will focus on continuing the flawed economic policies that have made wealthy Americans staggeringly wealthier over the last 35 years. In order to effectively reinforce the debate's plutocratic theme, CNBC announced it will not allow Americans to livestream the debate unless they have an overpriced cable or satellite subscription that includes the network.

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Around noon today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson compared his lunch salad to slavery. The midday meal complaint followed Carson's increasingly common pattern of comparing things he disliked to slavery.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton proactively branded every American who refused to vote for her "a sexist." Clinton asserted if anyone disagreed with her on policy they were "likely a sexist," but any American who did not vote for her was "definitely a sexist."

CRAWFORD, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, former President George W. Bush promised Americans he would never admit the war in Iraq was a mistake, because he felt "the history book people" would eventually agree his administration's decision to willingly lie about a pretext to invade another sovereign country "was totally okay." Bush was adamant about never admitting the invasion - and subsequent unplanned occupation - of Iraq was a massive mistake only a day after former British Prime Minister Tony Blair apologized for the war in Iraq.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, all of the Republican presidential candidates condemned Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for publicly declaring he planned to feed the hungry, as well as help the poor, sick, elderly, and other struggling Americans. The Republican field was unanimous in its derision of the socialist policies espoused by Sanders, which would treat the most vulnerable Americans as actual people and respected members of the nation's community.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont requested the Republican-led Select Committee on Benghazi send him a subpoena to answer questions about the September 2012 attack. Sanders asked Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC-04) - the committee's chair - to have him grilled during a hyper-partisan hearing after seeing how the inept Republicans running the kangaroo committee made his presidential opponent former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stronger.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ignored all questions from the Select Committee on Benghazi, which infuriated Republican committee members. Rather than listening to and answering questions, Clinton gave the whole event very low priority and sat calmly in her chair as she read a children's book by the name of "The Pet Goat."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Vice President Joe Biden announced he would not run to be the Democratic presidential nominee in 2016. Biden cited a phone call "from some great friends on Wall Street," who told him former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had already won the Democratic Party's contest to be Wall Street's puppet in the White House.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, climate change scientists reframed their argument to appeal to Republicans by releasing "Oceans Invading U.S," a new documentary film warning Americans about a slow, insidious invasion of American soil by tyrannical oceans that surround the United States. TNA viewed the 10-minute film, which asserted, "true patriots must defend America by starving the communist-fascist oceans of an anti-American, possibly Muslim, substance called carbon dioxide."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, House Republican budget talks quickly collapsed over a dispute about what types of donut holes should be available on the conference table for breakfast. Establishment Republicans reached an impasse with the Freedom Caucus and the Tea Party Caucus over plain donut holes and jelly donut holes, respectfully.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush confessed he didn't actually know what the word "safe" meant until today. The revealing admission followed Jeb's incessant statements asserting his brother - former President George W. Bush - "kept us safe" despite nearly 3,000 Americans being killed in the terrorist attacks on September 11th, 2001.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she would wag her dominate index finger at every Wall Street CEO to attend a fundraising dinner this evening in East Hampton, New York. Clinton declared her wagging finger would put the corruption of Wall Street on notice, and prevent another economic crisis just like her "cut it out" discussion with Wall Street in December 2007 averted the 2008 economic crisis.

THE KREMLIN (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin announced he was running for the Republican presidential nomination due to how much his policies overlapped with those of the GOP. Putin's announcement elicited immediate gushing from Republicans and the right-wing propaganda networks that have praised Putin's strength and intelligence for years while they condemned President Obama for not starting a war with Russia over regional conflicts.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump announced the formation of Brownshirts for Trump, an elite club for his most enthusiastic supporters. The Republican frontrunner explained members of the Brownshirts will wear brown shirts and engage in political outreach operations - mainly at night - to interact with non-Trump supporters, those with "anti-American political ideas," and "anyone who doesn't look American."