"I would be invincible with trunks like that." Jimmy Popper, Trunks Designer
"Show him how to do a single summersault next." Jimmy Popper, Circus Trainer
"And the plot is better handled than Die Hard 5 too." Jimmy Popper, Cinema Owner
A Conservative MP, who is still applauding the Hillary Benn speech yesterday, says it was a better speech than the one in Independence Day, the movie, according to The Sun newspaper.
Cyber Friday led on to Cyber Saturday this weekend in one of the cyberiest lead ups to Christmas since the dawn of time, according to a cosmologist.
"It's nothing like him. Serge, do Trump next. Just put a wig on and say something stupid in a whiny simple voice." Jessie Krufts, Impersonator
The obesity crisis took another fat legged step downwards last night after it was revealed that publishers of all men's health magazines have run out of new fit looking men to put on the front cover and are starting to put the same men on the front again.
"You have the opportunity to ask profound questions like what is it like to be a bird? Or what is it like to fly? Or is there a bird God? And all you get it to say is Hello and Hi? Missed opportunity. If aliens come down to earth don't let that woman go to greet them is all I'm saying." Jessie Krufts, Humpty Pusher
"That is one devious dog owner. Sounds like a foreigner. Don't let him in the country." Jessie Krufts, Donald Trump Voter
Fancy trousers have sold out all over London and online retailers are struggling to meet demand after a recent surge and there's still a month to go before Christmas, feared fancy trouser specialists today.
"I would be scared of a cucumber that creeps up from behind. Are you sure it isn't a giant green caterpillar?" Jessie Krufts, Caterpillar Collector
Adele's new album, 25, is set to be so enormous new words will have to be made up to explain just how big it is, according to music insiders today.
"In my experience, the joke soon wears off on a nude beach." Jessie Krufts, Fisher Man
"It's a super triple double king bonus plus plus size doggy-bed. That dog will feel like a doggy billionaire." Fred Flunkee, Salesman, Beds Inc
British And Commonwealth Highlands Bank has said that it is trialling a new man to man payments service exclusively for gentlemen, cutting women out of the payment options altogether, according to an insider with the news.
"If this turns out to be the new James Bond plot I will be livid." Jessie Krufts, Cinema Goer
"If I was Darth Vader I would have a man coming up behind me to pick up my poop too."
The prime minister is embarking on the most James Bond day of his career so far as an international crisis threatens to overshadow talks with the president of Egypt after James Bond discovered there was a bomb on a plane flying from Egypt earlier in the week.
"Yay! I also love the whiney yelp they do when they get wet for the first time. YouTube, it's over to you."
From Our Media Correspondent: The large number of Sherlock Holmes movies, television and radio programme's currently being recorded on location in London has been blamed for the fog over the capital, an insider told this newspaper outside this morning.