TheNilAdmirari

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, President Obama spoke about how the Trans-Pacific Partnership - a massive multinational trade deal the president intends to sign - will protect the freedom of all Americans to drink poisonous fracking water. President Obama announced TPP will allow natural gas companies to sue the United States so they can overturn fracking bans and extract natural gas by pumping poisonous water into the ground, resulting in contaminated aquifers and other public water sources.

PHOENIX, ARIZONA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and extremely bored billionaire Donald Trump invited Black Lives Matter activists to his "Dogs & Fire Hoses Rally" in Phoenix later this week in order to open a dialogue. Trump supporters are being encouraged to bring breeds of dogs usually used by law enforcement agencies from home - if they have them - to facilitate the exchange of ideas during the rally, but Black Lives Matter activists in Phoenix have told TNA they were told to only bring themselves.

SEEKONK, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Massachusetts man who identified himself as "a hugely patriotic American" accused President Obama of acting like Hitler for forcing states to take Syrian refugees fleeing from the Islamic State. Thomas Basil, a construction worker and married father of two, subsequently told TNA he supported the idea of forcing Muslims in the United States to wear badges that identify them as Muslims - an idea endorsed by Republican presidential candidate and loose cannon billionaire Donald Trump.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was drafting all of her campaign donors between the ages of 18 and 25 for ground combat roles in the war she planned to fight against the Islamic State (ISIS) following her inauguration in 2017. Clinton touted her gender inclusiveness in the process, and noted both men and women were being automatically volunteered for military service to fight in her future Middle East wars of choice.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the corporate media in the United States urged Americans "to remember how wicked awesome and fun" going to war was when President George W. Bush invaded Iraq in 2003 with absolutely no plan for what to do afterward. For those unconvinced, spurious corporate journalists like everyone on Fox News and CNN's Wolf Blitzer spent the day fearmonging, and interviewed a slew of pro-war guests to convince Americans the Islamic State (ISIS) was so scary the United States must immediately send ground troops back to the Middle East.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Islamic State (ISIS) announced many prominent Republican politicians - including many GOP presidential candidates - will receive cash bonuses for exceeding ISIS's recruiting goals. The Islamic State explained Republican opposition to Syrian refugees being allowed into the United States was "a wonderful way" to help the religious-extremist organization recruit even more Syrian civilians, who were essentially being held hostage inside their own country.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, struggling Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush declared only Syrian refugees who were Christians should be allowed into the United States. Bush asserted Syrian refugees who practiced Islam should be left in Syria to die by one of the many belligerents fighting in the region, "because that's what Jesus Christ would do."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Obama announced the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) - a massive multinational trade deal the president intends to sign - will protect the freedom of all Americans to not afford life-saving medicines. Instead, TPP will allow pharmaceutical companies to make more blood money by allowing them to keep longer patents on their drugs, and almost indefinitely prevent critical, far more affordable generic drugs from entering the American market.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told Americans electing the United States' first female president was worth the final collapse and permanent extinction of the American middle class. Clinton urged Americans to not be sexist, and to vote for her instead of trying to prevent both their standard of living and wages from continuing their free fall courtesy of the very people bankrolling her presidential campaign.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the White House announced it planned to indiscriminately bomb "way more" civilian targets in the Middle East than it had been prior to the terrorist attacks in Paris last night. President Obama explained air strikes that resulted in significant collateral damage were "the only way" to show the West's enemies that targeting civilians outside of the Middle East was completely unacceptable.

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson recounted his last days with Adolf Hitler before the Führer took his own life on April 30th, 1945. Dr. Carson told his supporters in Iowa that he had declined Hitler's offer to be his successor prior to escaping from Berlin by rocket ship to avoid capture by the Red Army.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced all of the remaining Democratic presidential debates would occur on Mondays at 3AM. Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton denied any involvement in the debate schedule changes, as most Americans accused her of pushing for the scheduling changes to reduce the number of Americans able to watch Clinton debate her more progressive challengers.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, TNA released the results of an in-house study measuring how favorably Americans viewed Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The results showed the longer Hillary Clinton was in the public eye the more Americans recalled why they disliked her, and projected that by November 2016 over 78% of Americans would rather be murdered by blunt force trauma than vote for her.

MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN (The Nil Admirari) - Today, every Republican presidential candidate announced his or her mother - or other support figure - would stand next to them during tonight's debate hosted by the Fox Business Network at the Milwaukee Theater. The GOP mothers demanded they be on stage to protect their children from both each other, and the moderators, especially after the last debate hosted by CNBC made their precious little snowflake adult-children have hissy fits.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Obama Administration announced the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) - a massive multinational trade deal President Obama intends to sign - will protect the freedom of all Americans to unknowingly purchase poisonous food. The White House explained companies located in other TPP nations will be able to sue the United States for having higher food safety standards, and force their poisonous food into the American market by citing "unfair protection of consumers."

MOBILE, ALABAMA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a seven-year-old boy named Jonathan Mercy concluded the American healthcare system was immoral and "the s-word." Jonathan came to his conclusion after his parents - who have no health insurance - went to the local pharmacy to fill a prescription, but were unable to afford the $13,000 price tag for a month's supply of a drug his mother needed to treat her cancer.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, many of the Republican presidential candidates criticized their Democratic counterparts following the Democratic Forum held at Winthrop University in Rock Hill, South Carolina last night. The main criticism - by far - was the lack of infantile hatred of both their fellow Americans and the constitutional government of the United States whenever the Democrats did not get what they wanted.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson announced the real purpose of Area 51 was to house his original brain, and a colony of Sasquatches. Carson's statement followed his declaration earlier in the week he still believed the true purpose of the pyramids in Egypt was to store grain.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the results of a TNA study revealed the United States has a dangerous surplus of self-proclaimed Second Amendment experts that are virtually all pro-gun, and feel obligated to defend the right to bear arms no matter how many people are killed by firearms. A startling 63% of Americans claimed to be Second Amendment experts, and virtually everyone in that group lacked the proper education required to substantiate such a claim.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the White House received a letter from its enemy the Islamic State expressing the Islamic extremist group's gratitude for additional American military equipment, which it had easily captured from the fleeing Iraqi military. President Obama quickly responded to the letter of thanks from the Islamic State by warning Iraq "the arms gift shop is closed until Iraqis stop regifting American weapons of war to the Islamic State."