NewsBiscuit

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Westminster was shaken today by news that Jeremy Corbyn was in the middle of a deep reverie for a large part of the 1980s. After failing to recognise the name of former Labour leader Michael Foot during a press conference, Corbyn admitted that he spent the first Thatcher government 'curled up in a ball under a bush in my garden, like a little socialist bear hibernating for the winter'.

Reports of chaotic scenes at the Olympic Games have emerged after a working class man breached security and entered the Equestrian Centre undetected. Eye-witness accounts say the man was dressed in an England football strip and Bermuda shorts and shouted ‘God ‘elp us’ before asking where the bar was.

‘It was horrible,’ says Team GB representative Pippa Worsley-Granger. ‘I’d just finished my Individual Dressage and was telling my horse Minty Buff what a good boy he was when I heard screaming and saw people running in panic’.

'I for one don’t feel comfortable about being paid to be fracked,' said rural Surrey resident Jenny Smithurst. ‘If I’m going to get the most out of repeated fracking, I want it to mean something real. If, say, Chancellor Phillip Hammond wanted to pay me thousands of pounds so I submitted to the kind of penetration we’ve seen talked about in newspapers, I’d say that could be inappropriate, if not sordid. Where do we sign up?’

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Students are demanding new referendums on Brexit, Donald Trump and the deaths of numerous celebrities; while also calling for the scrapping of the months August to December 2016. Said one activist: 'We've been given no warning about the events of this year, we weren't consulted and frankly many of us feel threatened by it's constant attempts to harass and abuse us'.

Thanks to a shift in tectonic plates, a SatNav update and a petition from New Zealand, Australians are making a bold move to return to the motherland - or more accurately 'where their sentencing took place'.

'The establishment’s been brought down and no-one has the faintest idea what to do – I’ve nothing left to chant. To think I bought a bloody Guy Fawkes mask for nothing.'

A stickler for the correct use of grammar, English teacher Samantha was aghast when she saw the Bill Withers classic “Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone” as Steve’s choice for Monday accompanied by the words ‘Samantha – this is how I feel every time you walk out the door’.

It’s the first time a judicial ruling on a haircut has been made since the famous ‘Barnet formula’, which created a precedent on rhyming slang for barbers which has now passed into Geordie Shore.

Sam Allardyce has been relieved of his duties with immediate effect after being unceremoniously dumped out of the World Cup, held in Russia. Pundits described Allardyce as being tactically naive and lacking a plan B, and for that matter a plan A. Work has begun on finding a new England manager for the 2020 European...

A Norfolk woman is fighting for her dignity this afternoon after a ‘blowout’ in her left Flip Flop trapped her in a Tesco car park for 15 minutes. CCTV footage reveals Cath Tucker’s left footpiece suffering a catastrophic failure just seconds after the 32 year old exited the store, forcing her to drag her carrier bags filled with groceries and...

Forecasters are warning that annoying weather-talk will reach a new high this afternoon at around 3pm. Office bores and bosses without imagination are due to mention the heat and refer to their iPhone temperature apps as often as every 10 minutes in some UK cities. Met Office spokesperson Gillian McMillan said: “Office workers need to...

In an unexpected turn of events, Defence Secretary Michael Fallon has announced that it is no longer necessary to replace the four submarines that carry Trident nuclear missiles after a groundbreaking deal was reached overnight. “It occurred to us that we were only buying the submarines so that we could deliver the missiles,” he explained,...

‘I am delighted with this offer,’ said hairdresser and bride to be Anushka Desai-Smith. ‘We have one of the world’s top car manufacturers offering a free appointment to customers who will be taking part in my extensive all female pre-nuptial celebrations.’

Concerns have been raised that the UK’s Prime-Minister-elect has been the target of a prank involving magic mushrooms, a kaleidoscope and some ‘dubious’ cheese. Clearly under the influence of hallucinogens, a reeling Mrs May, spouted a range of dubious promises - such as competence, ethics and a free trip to Legoland.

Paul, an assistant office manager from Stoke, felt validated today after the publication of the Chilcot report, the conclusions of which in all likelihood confirmed everything he had been saying for all this time and added that they could have saved £10 million by asking him at the start.

A Tory leadership contest between two scary, immaculately coiffured dominatrixes who missed their vocation is causing everyone over the age of 45 to revisit memories of the 1980s, according to reports. With the Daily Mail asking which will emerge as ‘the new Maggie’, there are isolated instances of nostalgia for the loss of Michael Gove...

Only a few days after the last episode aired on national television, UKIP have announced that the much-loved comedy character Nigel Farage will return for a one-off Christmas Special later this year. Viewers were left reeling at the end of the final episode when Nigel, who has blundered his way through a variety of comic...

The British public have taken to the streets in their tens of thousands to ask if they might be allowed to vote again on Jedward staying in the X Factor 2009-10. The irritating Irish bogbrushes finished sixth in that series, but most votes for them were ‘ironic’, or at the very least placed by people who hadn't given the matter enough thought.