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Hollywood, CA-(
The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences has nominated ex-President Barack Hussein Obama for a special Emmy for Outstanding Acting Performance for his 2016 (his last,thankfully) State of the Union Address. The speech, filmed before a joint session of Congress and broadcast nationwide in January, was an open microphone for the President to present his review of the previous year and his plan for the next. Judges said that this was a special Emmy and was not in the Movie or Miniseries or Reality TV categories.
New York, NY -(

TV chef Nigella Lawson made a recent personal confession to the TV audience while on the popular Maury Povich show, claiming because of her breast size, she hasn't seen her feet in over 14 years.
Bwanna, Kenya – (
Kenyan game preserve officers tracked down and killed a 45 foot long crocodile today after it was seen leaving a village shortly after it decimated the most of the inhabitants. The massacre occurred during an evening celebration.
Baltimore, MD – (

A 19-year-old Baltimore man is dead after police say he accidentally shot himself while taking ‘selfies’ while holding a loaded magnum revolver.

De’Jang Alonso Smith died of a gunshot wound to the throat about 1:30 p.m. Tuesday at an apartment in southwest Baltimore.
Brooklyn, NY – (
Women who received twitters, e-mails, and other forms of transmitted photographs from Congressman Anthony Weiner have stated unanimously that they all thought his nose was his most prominent feature. In fact, a House subcommittee is now looking into the possibility that sending pictures of his nose was really the pornography in this case.
London (UK) – (

An Islamic cleric residing in London said that women should not be close to bananas or cucumbers, in order to avoid any “sexual thoughts.”
Las Cruces, NM – (

In a poll conducted by The Harvard Institute of Silly Surveys That Waste Government Money But Provide Work For Tenured Professors, Lazy Students and ACORN Workers, Anal Seepage was voted “The Least Favorite Thing To Find In A Chair.” –

Be the first on your block to grow your own penicillin! Why waste that moldy bread when it can be turned into a life saving wonder drug in just a few days!

Vatican City -(

Pope Francis left the Vatican on Monday to travel to the US on a visit to shrines and diocese leaders. He hoped to stop at various religious landmarks he hadn't officially visited as Pope in previous US visits.

Chappaqua NY- (
After losing the 2016 Presidential Election to Republican Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton announced her intentions to become a Clergyman, rather than a Nun. Hillary has established the Church of Demonic Hillary and intends to build a 20,000 seat Mega-Church building (federal tax free) on her property, funded by the new Bill and Hillary Clinton Religion Foundation. The building would be collocated with former President Obama’s HUD Section 8 Housing and Homeless Shelter. (The poor Clinton’s have sold their summer house in “The Hamptons” for $29 million.)
Portsmouth (UK) – (
Doctors at Queen Alexandra Hospital have used 3D printing technology to replace most of a man’s missing skull in an innovative procedure including Super Glue that is sure to revolutionize orthopedic surgery.
NYC, New York – (
There were scenes of devastation outside the United Nations Plaza today amid a protest by forty thousand of the UN’s 44,000 payroll staff who have suddenly been given the sack.
Hollywood, CA – (
Actors are often accused of being irritatingly reticent about their private lives – unwilling to satisfy fans’ and journalists’ curiosity about aspects of their life off the film sets. But that’s not something that can be said of Michael Douglas’ latest interview. Asked whether he ascribed his 2010 throat cancer diagnosis to a lifetime of drinking and smoking, he replied particularly frankly:
Branson, MO-(

A senior citizen bus trip from the Pleasant Sunsets Senior home in Springfield, IL to Branson, a popular tourist mecca in SW Missouri, caused some trouble for the retirees and a run in with the law as well.
As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman, Bertha Mellonklump, came up to the bus driver Amos Cal Fischer complaining about being molested by a man while she was seated in the back row.
Pasadena, CA – (
Rose Bowl Parade officials sent an official notice to members of the elite North Korean Army’s women’s precision marching cadre that has angered North Korean strongman, Kim Sung Un. The letter gave official notice that due to recent international nuclear tensions, the participation of the 5,000 member all women North Korean precision marching army will not be allowed to travel to Southern California. The annual parade showcases the annual Rose Bowl football spectacular held in Pasadena each January 1st.
Somewhere in North Korea – (
North Korea threatened the United States on Thursday with a preemptive ‘retalitory march’ by 100,000 North Korean soldiers, raising the level of rhetoric while the U.N. Security Council considers new sanctions against the reclusive country.
North Korea has accused the United States of using military drills in South Korea as a launch pad for a nuclear war and has scrapped the armistice with Washington that ended long marches by weary soldiers in the 1950-53 Korean Marcher’s War.
New York, NY – (
On Friday’s broadcast of HBO’s “Real Time,” host Bill Maher stated that President Trump is engaging in dehumanization of the media in a manner that is comparable to Rwanda and Nazi Germany. The remarks came right on cue after similar scripted statements were broadcast by CNN, MSNBC, and by George Stefanopolous on ABC.
Los Angeles, California – (

Astrologers studying Monday’s upcoming solar eclipse are bullish about the impact on West Coast anal skin lightening facilities according to an authoritative op ed.
Black Hills, SD – (

Federal workers announced an escalated the war by the shadowy Alternate Leftist group Antifa whose activists have demanded Civil War statues be removed and all history be re-written in a manner that soothes anyone’s hurt feelings.
Antarctica – (

Climate Change hot air suffered yet another blow this weekend following the publication of the Western Antarctic Research Base report about volcanic eruptions under the Ross Ice Shelf.