Philmaggitti

The average American pick-up truck has gained 1,142 pounds since 1990. The average American, about the same. The average Phish tune, in concert, added nearly two minutes around its middle, and personal pizzas got 25 percent larger. Go big or go home: The 11th Commandment writ large.

If your brain hurts from trying to cope with the notion that there are fewer people in heaven than there are in Starbucks on a Sunday morning, try coping with this instead: if fewer than one one-bazillionth of a percent of all the people who have ever lived were good enough to get into heaven, you’re probably fucked. You’re going to spend the rest of eternity, however long that is, with your stinking family, most of whom will think at first that you must have gone to heaven because that’s where they are. Wait until you see how ornery they get when they notice the lack of air conditioning.

Two things are certain about the bible: animals were harmed during its production, and cats are not mentioned anywhere in it. If you care to, you can find calves and camels, cankerworms and cattle, cocks and colts, crickets and crocodiles, but no cats.

Despite their widespread use, parental controls have been a disappointment as a means of empowering children to control their parents’ Internet and television viewing. According to Victoria Dumars, a spokeswoman for the Consortium for a Sound Intellect in New York (CSI-New York), “Parents are very resourceful when it comes to evading parental controls. They are determined to keep watching cooking shows, the most laughable porn, and the VH1 classic rock channel no matter how much these choices embarrass their children.”

According to PETA, most animal behavior problems are the result of “too much exposure to human sexual activity.” Therefore, pet owners who subject their little friends to triple-x-rated performances should not be surprised if their dogs break into the hamper and chew soiled underwear, or their cats sit on the coffee table trying to lick the fur off their butts whenever company arrives, or their birds straddle the bars of their perches and rock back and forth suggestively.

“That white stuff on the floor of bird cages isn’t all bird shit,” grinned the PETA spokesperson.

The overthrow of Roe v. Wade, according to many in the chatterverse, signaled a trampling of all that’s good and holy that will make Sherman’s March to the Sea look like a highway adoption program.

Fauxcahontas Warren (Cherokee-MA) predicts the two-for-one fall of gay marriage and interracial marriage. Bette Midler calls for women to take a knee during the National Anthem. (Bars are probably playing it during happy hour already.)

If you call tech support these days, you get a menu of three choices: Some chappie with a rogan-josh Indian accent telling you, "My name is Brian"; or a low rider who talks faster than his relatives run when they're caught stealing electricity; or some Vietnamese ex-hooker who calls you "Feel," when your real name is Phil.

The low-tech version of shortening the stroke works a treat with things like cable modems, routers, streaming television boxes, and “smart” devices from cell phones to dildos, all of which have tiny computers inside.

“Obviously,” said the president, “people who can’t get to work because they’re projectile vomiting shouldn’t have to worry about losing their job because they’ve already used up all their sick days.”

President-elect Biden, sensitive to questions about his age and fragility, told reporters, “I used to drive weekends at local NASCAR events while I attended that HBCU in, uh, Delaware.”

President Trump is expected to sign a presidential order intended to alleviate the suffering of COVID-19 victims in the battered Dakotas region. Hurrying into the White House, wearing a defiant yellow slicker on his return from a golf outing yesterday afternoon . . .

While fake satire sites were embarrassing themselves repeating the same unfunny, self-revealing screeds about Mr. Trump, we saw him for what he was...the man with the only chance of turning back the tides of neo-Marxism and of uniting this majestic nation and making it great again, again.

That's what happens when we don't stop apologizing. St. Augustine gives way to a pink-haired fourth-wave feminist writing about the oppressiveness of her menstrual cycle.

Morrison earned that one by writing three of the most dunderheaded anti-lockdown songs imaginable...songs so wretched, oblivious, and dumb that a sober man would be tempted to think Sir Van's been gargling with the firewater again.

In that 1907 study, Duncan MacDougall, a physician from Haverhill, Massachusetts, tested the hypothesis that souls possess physical weight by measuring the weight loss of six patients at the moment of death (when the soul "leaves" the body for an undisclosed destination).

Although we consider Professor Dipstick's proclamations about math to be as worthless as the $20 bill George Floyd was trying to pass, others are not so perceptive. Indeed, the professor's asshole tweet was retweeted by several asshole academics at universities and colleges around the nation.

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–The average American pick-up truck has gained 1,142 pounds since 1990. The average American, about the same. The average Phish tune, in concert, added nearly two minutes around its middle, and personal pizzas got 25 percent larger. Go big or go home: The 11th Commandment writ large.

In a public-spirited fever (ask not what our country can write about us, but what we can write about our country), we suggest creating a new holiday, National Ain't Woke, Do Not Disturb Day. We further suggest celebrating that day on August 4, the birthday of America’s first bi-racial, woker-than-shit president.

Within recent memory alone our fascination with karma has produced a television series about karma, at least half a dozen songs with karma in the title (including the unforgettable "Karma Chameleon"), a Karma food-finder app, a Karma luxury electric car, and countless tip jars with "karma" signs nearby guilt-tripping everyone.

President Trump took time from his death match Twitter smackdown with Michael Bloomberg to post the following tweet early this morning, "Is Mayor Pete a pitcher or a catcher? Enquiring voters want to know."