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Philmaggitti

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Morrison earned that one by writing three of the most dunderheaded anti-lockdown songs imaginable...songs so wretched, oblivious, and dumb that a sober man would be tempted to think Sir Van's been gargling with the firewater again.
In that 1907 study, Duncan MacDougall, a physician from Haverhill, Massachusetts, tested the hypothesis that souls possess physical weight by measuring the weight loss of six patients at the moment of death (when the soul "leaves" the body for an undisclosed destination).
Although we consider Professor Dipstick's proclamations about math to be as worthless as the $20 bill George Floyd was trying to pass, others are not so perceptive. Indeed, the professor's asshole tweet was retweeted by several asshole academics at universities and colleges around the nation.
WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–The average American pick-up truck has gained 1,142 pounds since 1990. The average American, about the same. The average Phish tune, in concert, added nearly two minutes around its middle, and personal pizzas got 25 percent larger. Go big or go home: The 11th Commandment writ large.
In a public-spirited fever (ask not what our country can write about us, but what we can write about our country), we suggest creating a new holiday, National Ain't Woke, Do Not Disturb Day. We further suggest celebrating that day on August 4, the birthday of America’s first bi-racial, woker-than-shit president.
Within recent memory alone our fascination with karma has produced a television series about karma, at least half a dozen songs with karma in the title (including the unforgettable "Karma Chameleon"), a Karma food-finder app, a Karma luxury electric car, and countless tip jars with "karma" signs nearby guilt-tripping everyone.
President Trump took time from his death match Twitter smackdown with Michael Bloomberg to post the following tweet early this morning, "Is Mayor Pete a pitcher or a catcher? Enquiring voters want to know."
Mr. Jefferson announced last summer that he was ending his one-year retirement from basketball—only to announce shortly thereafter that he was retiring again because the only team that offered him a job was the New York Knicks. The Knicks promptly and emphatically denied that they had done any such thing.
James Carville described Pennsylvania as "Philadelphia on one side, Pittsburgh on the other, and Alabama in between.” We should not be surprised, therefore, that today is National Drunks Against Mad Mothers Day, sponsored by DAMM Pennsylvania.
Most people can recall their first sexual experience, but judging from the responses to the 2020 Postcards from the Pug Bus Sex Survey, not everyone puts a smiley face on that memory.
Jessica Simpson read the news today, oh boy, and now the singer-actress wants to adopt a pillow angel. Ms. Simpson had been interested in adopting a child formerly, but after scoring poorly on a questionnaire sent to her by an adoption agency in Tijuana, Mexico, she became dispirited.
"Baptism is the original sin, inflicted on innocent children without their consent. From the time of Abraham the notion of sacrificing a blameless child has been the true believer's go-to move, but if churches were honest, they would raise the age of consent for baptism to twenty-one, at least."
National Poisoned Cha-Cha Day, when the war between the sexes took a turn for the grim after a woman in Sao de Jose Rio Preto, Brazil, had tried to kill her husband by putting a poisonous substance in her vagina and then asking him if he fancied a box lunch.
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Toyota was been swamped with complaints about drivers turning left from right-hand lanes, taking up handicapped spaces in parking lots, using their high beams to blind other drivers, and crushing companion animals because the drivers didn't see them.
There is only one kind of person in the world. He who knows about Schrödinger’s cat, and he who doesn't. For most of us, however, Schrödinger’s cat is a meme in search of a meaning.
"The proof is in the 'putting,' so to speak," added Mr. Gonzales. "Strom Thurmond, Tony Randall, and Paul McCartney were all rowing on Golden Pond when they fathered children."
When the Blessed Virgin Mary, who knew something about warding off penetration, appeared to Polycarp in a dream, Polycarp awoke and immediately stuffed his ears with cow dung,
Not content with persecuting people who use "after-market" handicapped stickers in spaces that would otherwise remain empty, the CapiNazis are coming after emotional support animals.
Penultimate means "last but one in a series of things; the next to last." Penultimate does not mean nor should it be allowed to mean "the most ultimate" or "the most awesome" ever.
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In order to promote a more inclusive linguistic union, the Pug Bus vows to use "gay," "gaily," and many clever derivations thereof to flog shamelessly our Gay OG campaign.