TheNilAdmirari

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari): A national survey's findings on the sexual proclivities of America's anti-gay Christian leaders was released Sunday morning in time for many morning masses. The Boston University (BU) survey titled "Quantifying Anti-Gay Christian Leadership Duplicity" showed 7 out of every 10 respondents anonymously declared they were hiding at least one gay lover from virtually everyone else in their life.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Yesterday, the White House confirmed reports that President Obama has been steadily increasing his daily consumption of alcohol since moving into the presidential residence in January 2009. Obama stated his alcohol intake has grown every day "just to deal with Republicans and their bullshit."

COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA (The Nil Admirari): Today, the South Carolina legislature banned the Confederate flag from state government in response to last week's racially motivated shooting at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church that killed nine black churchgoers. Governor Nikki Haley praised the move, but cautioned it involved compromising with the flag's supporters who demanded all homes and businesses in South Carolina hang a visible portrait of Confederate President Jefferson Davis.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): The United States announced today is was putting "great effort" into "being more stupid than Russia is crazy" by risking war with Russia over Ukraine. President Obama said his administration would continue sending American military forces to NATO members in Eastern Europe so long as Russia continued to deploy more troops on its border with Ukraine.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today, Fox News talking head Bill O'Reilly claimed he had "three to five black friends" so everyone should "shut their trap," because he had the credentials to talk about race relations in America. O'Reilly needed two days of constant public pressure to recall how many black friends he had after political pundit Kirsten Powers asked him that very question on "The O'Reilly Factor."

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA (The Nil Admirari): The National Rifle Association (NRA) announced today it had a press release ready and waiting for the next mass shooting in the United States. NRA Executive Vice President and CEO Wayne LaPierre stated such preparedness was essential to highlight why victims of gun violence were negligent for not arming themselves.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): The Republican Party and the few conservative hatemongers not associated with it announced today they have grown tired of the people they hate fighting back. The persecuted conservatives also stated they will no longer tolerate the intolerance and "sass" of those they are intolerant of.

BILLUND, DENMARK (The Nil Admirari): LEGO Group announced today it will be transitioning from plastic building pieces to more sustainable broken glass building pieces. The company has relied on plastic since the late 1950s, but stated it will fully transition to broken glass building pieces in time for Christmas shopping this year.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari): Louisiana Governor Piyush "Bobby" Jindal announced today he intended to perform an exorcism on the hair of fellow Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. The exorcism on the demon-possessed locks was requested by Trump, who heard Jindal had performed an exorcism on a friend while he attended Brown University.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Supreme Court Justices Anthony M. Kennedy and Antonin Scalia threw punches at each other earlier today. The brief fistfight between the two erupted in the Court Chamber and involved the Court's 5-4 decision on Obergefell v. Hodges, which effective legalized gay marriage across the country.

AUGUSTA, MAINE (The Nil Admirari): Republican Governor of Maine Paul LePage announced today the slime covering his entire body was impossible to remove. The slime on LePage has been blamed for his efforts to cut programs for the poor, sick, elderly, children, and virtually every other person in Maine who is not very wealthy.

⇩⇩⇩ TNA BREAKING NEWS ⇩⇩⇩ REYNOSA, MEXICO (The Nil Admirari): In the early hours of Friday morning, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump purchased the Mexican art gallery that produced Trump piñatas after Trump stated all illegal Hispanic immigrants were killers and rapists. Piñateria Ramirez was purchased by Trump for $30 million, and Trump says it will now be selling "Mexican Killer" and "Mexican Rapist" piñatas.

BOONE, IOWA (The Nil Admirari): The campaign of Republican presidential candidate Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) has been selling illegal fireworks by a roadside in Boone, Iowa for the last few days. Graham stated his struggling campaign was "thinking outside the box" for ways to raise money and allow Iowans to meet him in person.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): A study released today showed Americans have a distressing ignorance about the history of the United States, including its founding. Approximately 78% of surveyed Americans either incorrectly identified the country they celebrate independence from or refused to identify the country while claiming they wanted to see if the researcher knew it first.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): The Pentagon announced today a new Lockheed Martin F-35 Joint Strike Fighter had lost over a dozen dogfights to a 1917 Sopwith Camel biplane. The June 18th engagements showed the World War I-era Sopwith Camel exhibited "superior maneuverability and fighting aptitude" compared to its F-35 opponent.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today, President Barack Obama signed an executive order outlawing all forms of Christianity in the United States. Executive Order 60666 closes all Christian churches and seizes all Christian property, especially guns.

ATHENS, GREECE (The Nil Admirari): Early Tuesday morning, Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras challenged German Chancellor Angela Merkel to a high-stakes game of Russian roulette in Greece's latest plan to deal with its massive debt. Tsipras announced that if he lost Greece will accept a German-sponsored plan to resolve the debt crisis, but if Merkel lost Germany must support forgiving all of Greece's debts.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) announced today he wanted Jesus Christ to be the official animal of the United States instead of the bald eagle. His position quickly split the Republican Party into two camps, and the topic has already started to overshadow other issues on the campaign trail like the economy, social policy, and foreign policy.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Congressional Republicans announced this morning they intended to increase infrastructure funding and would more than quadruple the current expenditure by the end of the month. Republicans stated the only things to be exempt from the new funding will be any infrastructure Obama uses regularly, may use in the future, or may benefit from in any way.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The Nil Admirari finished negotiations with the Republican National Committee (RNC) today and will host a Republican presidential debate on September 28th, 2015 at the Providence Performing Arts Center (PPAC) in Providence, Rhode Island. Unlike the Republican debates sponsored by the Mickey Mouse news outlets, the Nil Admirari debate will include every person who has registered to run for president as a Republican.