Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) travels to Moscow tomorrow to trade US military secrets to Russia in exchange for video surveillance of Trump and Russian prostitutes engaged in one or more golden showers.
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Trump credits "big brain," "hugely big hands" for solving America's opioid epidemic.
Trump was going to declare war on North Korea via Twitter when he dropped his phone in the toilet.
The anonymous public servant added, "She doesn't know anything and is always on the phone. The kid interrupts meetings all of the time to ask what a word means or for a map to find a place she doesn't know the location of, which is almost everywhere."
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, President Trump confirmed reports he was practicing insults in preparation for the visit of Chinese President China Xi Jinping. The two world leaders will meet tomorrow to discuss a variety of issues including North Korea, trade, and how chop sticks will be banned at all meals during the visit.
"Americans are going to have the most amazing, tippy-top healthcare ever; believe me. That's why Funeral Savings Accounts are non-negotiable and must be a part of the final law. A lot of people are going to need them," Trump explained exclusively to employees of Fox News and Breitbart.
Donald Trump will release evidence President Obama illegally wiretapped Trump Tower once it is found and can be safely extracted from his ass.
Trump fails to assemble kitchen cabinet set, quits project after nearly 20 minutes of causing irreparable damage.
Hillary Clinton blames cursed pantsuits for her loss to Donald Trump.
"These polls are 100% accurate, and have no margin of error. Donald Trump is in commanding lead in race for American puppe... president," reported Sergei Propovski, spokesman for the Russian Ministry of Truth.
"At no point does the speech say I want people to use violence and burn American cities to the ground if I lose to Hillary Clinton. I am just telling Americans that 'a lot of people' are saying things like that," said Trump, in defense of his speech.
Trump continued, "A lot of people are saying American small businesses prefer to be conned by an American rather than by a Mexican. All of the small businesses I've worked with say the same thing."
"Who can doubt I was the worst president in American history? Do I have to explain any further how bad I was? Why are Americans flirting with electing a man who will be so much worse?"
"ISIS will not be launching any terrorist attacks at the Rio 2016 Olympics. It's just too easy. Frankly, targeting Rio is beneath us and we would actually lose cred with other terrorist organizations," declared a man in all black clothing, who was also wearing a mask.
RIO DE JANEIRO (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Rio de Janeiro confirmed reports it will be offering hazmat suits to all Olympic athletes competing in sports on Guanabara Bay. The suits will protect some of the world's best athletes from the tons of untreated sewage and garbage in the water they will be surrounded by.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - TNA projects Donald Trump will win the 2016 election and be the next President of the United States of America with 0% of voting districts reporting in all 50 states. Trump has won all of the battleground states and some formerly reliable Democratic states.
Donald Trump says he will not arrive at 2016 Republican National Convention in blackface, but urges others to do so.
Prison companies to turn all Kansas public schools into for-profit prisons while Kansans can opt to not educate children at all.
"Poppin' Fresh is a wonderful guy, and he has the recipe to make America great again," declared Donald Trump at what appeared to be a Caucasian-only campaign rally.
"When an American drone kills someone it is always killing a person representing a clear and present danger to the United States, and never innocent people," declared Obama at an afternoon press conference.