Newport, Rhode Island--Dave Mariucci, a 26 year-old software engineer, died Friday, only one day after being diagnosed with avian influenza, commonly known as bird flu. Sources close to Mariucci say that friends and family never imagined that he was so big a pussy that he could be killed by a disease named after fucking birds.…
WASHINGTON, D.C.--As more Americans discover the extent of their long-repressed offendedness by anything associated with the Confederate flag, the Obama administration today announced that the current U.S. flag would undergo a makeover to remove any symbols that might lead Americans to associate it with the Stars and Bars. "The most obvious aspects we will have…
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Nearly a billion common houseflies buzzed the nation's capital today to protest a bill that would require flies to show two forms of photo identification when purchasing fly-swatters. The bill, authored by Sen. Patrick Miyagi (D-HI), has passed the Senate and has been sent to President Obama. Proponents of the proposed new law argue…
ATLANTA—Local good old boy lawbreakers Bo Darville and Cledus Snow are preparing to take on what some are calling an impossible task as they attempt to make a run to Texarkana, Texas in an 18 wheeler, pick up 400 cases of Coors beer and make a return delivery here—all in the next 28 hours. “We’re…
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Vice President Joe Biden briefed media today on his upcoming schedule, the status of several projects his office is working on, and his mastery of a deadly effective karate move that is virtually impossible to defend. “We’ll be in Omaha on Wednesday and Boise the following day,” Biden said, “And I’m going to request…
Sandusky calls prison "Way better than I expected." FRANKLIN TOWNSHIP, PA—When 14 year-old Joey Patrick found out earlier this year that the cancer he had struggled with for the last two years was no longer in remission, he told his parents that his last wish was to experience what so many healthy boys his age…
HADES, Nebraska--Calling it an "incredible find," Satan today described the elation he felt when he first inspected his latest acquisition, the soul of Texas Senator Ted Cruz. "Absolutely mint condition," the Prince of Darkness gushed, "I knew it hadn't seen much use, but I never dreamed it had never even been taken out of the…
In a recent poll carried out by the University of Creative Studies, presidential hopeful Ben Carson polled strongly among hardline bigots.
JUPITER ISLAND, Florida--After several seasons of sub-par performances and pushing through various physical ailments, PGA superstar Tiger Woods is finally regaining his form and performing like a much younger man, according to several local prostitutes. "He definitely has his fire back," says Cookie, a dancer at Sensations, a local club, "He approaches every hole with…
ST. LOUIS, Missouri--Tension filled the air here as protesters gathered outside the police station to voice their anger over the shooting death of yet another unarmed, unlegged black resident. Witnesses claim that Tyrone Harris, a 54 year-old father of four, was apparently attempting to cross the street at an area not marked as a crosswalk…
In an open letter to the Royal Family, the world's paparazzi have demanded that Prince George stop ruining their attempts to photograph London's landscapes. The camera-obsessed child has repeatedly interrupted journalists, demanding they capture shots of his 'new gym bod' and telling them to 'hit like' if they think he's sexy.
NEW YORK CITY--In an effort to increase membership and an eye toward modernization, the Girl Scouts of the United States of America will soon begin allowing girls to complete many of the tasks required to be Girl Scouts on the internet, according to GSUSA Director of Communication Hannah Marquez. Marquez cited the recent success of…