LONDON--Dr. Kal Memon at the CHI Saint Lawrence Pediatric Research Hospital said this week that recent research has shown that developing babies can reap great benefits from light to moderate shaking a few times a week. "Brief, lightly intense shaking can release hormones in the brain that stimulate and accelerate intellectual development," Memon explained, "But…
LANDOVER, Maryland--Dr. Theodore Jennings, a behavioral psychology researcher at the King-White Institute, has authored a report showing that sustained, dehumanizing childhood bullying is still the best and most effective way to unleash telekinetic abilities in children. "In spite of years of lab studies in which researchers have attempted to utilize logic games and puzzles to…
SALT LAKE CITY, Utah--Speaking today at the Favored Children's Conference at Brigham Young University, Our Heavenly Father shed light on a topic that has been heavily debated over the past decade: how effective are thoughts and prayers? The remarks came in response to comments during a panel on plagues, when a young woman began her…
We spoke with former President Donald Trump about his legacy, life after the presidency, and his soon to be released fictional memoir, Trump Change: The Greatest Presidency of all Time. Q: You wrote this memoir under a pseudonym, DJ Trump. Why? A: There are some kiss and tell moments. Some dirty little secrets, like the…
(ATLANTA, GA)--Dr. Inger Damon with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced earlier today that recent computer models warn of a new surge of COVID-19 variants, and that if it were real and still existed, the town of Mayberry would have already been wiped out by the dreaded disease. Dr. Damon warns that the…
WASHINGTON DC--Embattled Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene responded strongly to her detractors, both inside the US House of Representatives and in the media, by returning her focus to working for her constituents in Georgia. "These morons may have voted to remove me from various committees," Greene said, "But that only allows me to turn my…
NEW YORK CITY--In an apparent attempt to appeal to both Republican and Democratic voters, GOP Presidential Nominee Donald Trump today clarified his stance on abortion. "Abortion is wrong--period. I've been very clear on this," Trump explained, "But, maybe you could make it look like an accident of some kind. You fall down the stairs. It…
AMERICA--Men across the nation have rallied together to demand that transgender people who have male genitalia come on into the men's room with them, like God intended. "Is that a penis?" asks Stan Jordan, red-blooded American male, "Then get your ass in here with me." The demands have grown as LGBT advocates have fought for…
GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba—Critics of President Barack Obama’s inaction on his long-promised plan to close the federal detention center here were overjoyed at the news last week that the prison, commonly referred to as Gitmo, will cease operations by the end of the year. But new concerns arose when it was announced that the first stage…
OTTAWA, Ontario--As the country prepares to deal with a major influx of illegal immigrants, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that the government has issued an order in council to begin immediate construction of a wall along the southern border. Prime Minister Trudeau made the announcement in an effort to address concerns following widespread…
MAPLES GROVE, Iowa--Speaking to a large gathering of chickens in their coop, local farmer Benjamin Fisher promised to finally put an end to the steady stream of foxes that have entered the pen unfettered over the years, if he is able to successfully secure financing to purchase the farm where the chickens reside. "And I'm…
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Nearly a billion common houseflies buzzed the nation's capital today to protest a bill that would require flies to show two forms of photo identification when purchasing fly-swatters. The bill, authored by Sen. Patrick Miyagi (D-HI), has passed the Senate and has been sent to President Obama. Proponents of the proposed new law argue…
CARY, Wyoming--Nancy Maines, a 24 year-old project manager, is apparently experiencing a heavier than normal menstrual cycle this month, her colleague Josh Simon reports. Maines recently filed a grievance with human resources accusing Simon and his supervisor Danny Kurtz of making sexist remarks. "Nancy's definitely on the rag," Simon claims, "Or at least PMS-ing like…
HADES, Nebraska--Calling it an "incredible find," Satan today described the elation he felt when he first inspected his latest acquisition, the soul of Texas Senator Ted Cruz. "Absolutely mint condition," the Prince of Darkness gushed, "I knew it hadn't seen much use, but I never dreamed it had never even been taken out of the…
NEW YORK CITY--New York Jets Head Coach Todd Bowles told reporters today the team's terrible quarterback, Geno Smith, has been cleared to return to the team after rehabilitating a broken jaw. "We'll bring Geno back a little slowly," Bowles said, "Even though it probably won't matter in regard to his on-field play, which is universally…
ST. LAWRENCE ISLAND, Alaska--David Carnak, a Yupik tribesman who has lived his entire life in this Arctic village, reported today that while he is concerned by the potential long-term environmental harm posed by global warming, he is actually pretty grateful to see fewer and fewer polar bears these days. "The oil companies will face their…
NEW YORK CITY--The NFL is investigating allegations that New England Patriots head coach Bill Belicheck has been sneaking into New York Giants team facilities and leaving dangerous fireworks lying around, easily accessible to Giants players and coaches. Four Giants players, including defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul and quarterback Eli Manning, have lost appendages playing with the…
NEW YORK CITY--Marge Burns, a spokesman for Planned Parenthood, announced today the abortion specialists will be ceasing operations as it appears almost a certainty that Congress will vote to cease federal funding of the program. But Burns assured women across the country that there is still time to get that abortion they've always dreamed of.…
BOWMAN, Montana--Newly married Shane Dotson, 27, says he was surprised to learn that his wife, Misty, had kept secret certain elements of her academic background. Dotson, who graduated from Montana Technical Institute with an electrical engineering degree, says he had been led to believe that his new wife, who has a BSN, had only studied…
BELLVILLE, Illinois--ACME Corporation CEO Latran Ferrell announced today a nationwide recall on ACME Bullshit Detectors that will affect nearly 100 million customers. Ferrell said the recall will affect all BS 1000 models manufactured after June of 2015. "We weren't initially aware that the models were malfunctioning," Ferrell said, "I actually own one myself. But I…