Check Please!
Office workers have agreed that their smug 'gym-before-work' colleague will be viciously gagged, if he mentions his morning workout routine again. The proposed muzzling of 26 year-old new trainee, Ben Smith, follows endless daily boasts that he was performing deadlifts and squats before sunrise.
Commentators and Labour shadow cabinet members alike are struggling to comprehend the hefty tome that is the Labour Manifesto.
Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron has complained that his party’s manifesto has received no media coverage despite it being leaked on Monday. The news comes after the leaking of Labour’s manifesto dominated news coverage on Thursday and Friday. ‘Someone leaked our manifesto on Monday’ said Farron. ‘It wasn’t malicious; one of our policy bods emailed it...
Australian MP Willy Packer has made history in becoming the first MP to take a dump during congress. Hot on the heels of the first ever breast feed earlier in the day, the 58 year old from Queensland requested permission to exercise his right to have a ‘good clear out’ ahead of a lengthy debate...
Since an appeal went out earlier this month, the Liberal Democrats have received ‘dozens’ of possible sightings of their leader. He has been missing from public view for months, though the precise date when he disappeared has not been determined. ‘It was more a fading away than a disappearance’, said a spokesman. ‘He could be...
Opinion polls are showing Prime Minister Theresa May’s policy of saying she’s going to do one thing and then doing the exact opposite is attracting support from indecisive members of the electorate. Those who can’t decide who to vote for appear to be more aligned with a dithering kindred spirit like Mrs May than Labour...
Nick Ferrari: So how much would 10,000 police officers cost? Diane Abbott: Well, erm… if we recruit the 10,000 police men and women over a four-year period, we believe it’ll be about £300,000. Nick Ferrari: £300,000 for 10,000 police officers? What are you paying them? Diane Abbott: Haha, no. I mean, sorry… Nick Ferrari: How...
The news that Nigel Farage will not be standing in the general election has been greeted with dismay by voters who were looking forward to the opportunity to tell him to ‘do one’ yet again. ‘I’m really disappointed,’ said Ramsgate resident Fenton Barnes. ‘I was hoping he might stand in our constituency again so I...
Prime minister Theresa May has sparked scenes of joy across the country after announcing a general election, giving every voter in Britain their say on the colour of the handcart we are all going to hell in. “This morning, the Cabinet took the momentous decision to ask the public what it thinks about the colour...
In recent years police crime reports show hipster on hipster crime has risen by almost 97%, with the number of 'scalpings' almost up by 70%. Scalping is a term used when a hipster takes a pair of scissors to another hipster and cuts off either their rivals man bun, or part of their beard.
A father of four-year-old twins caused a full-scale police search this morning after hiding Easter Eggs seven miles from his home in West London. Former army officer Ronan Jones told his sons that an Easter Egg hunt would be held the next day, then left home at 3 a.m., taking a series of night buses and a mini-cab, before secreting the Cadbury’s Buttons eggs under a recycling skip within the perimeter fence of a yacht club in Windsor.
A remake of the hit TV series MASH is to be set upon a US navy supercarrier anchored off the Korean peninsula. Executive producer Harry Winter said that the story will feature the exploits of a group of zany doctors who sit around all day with nothing to do but deal with paper cuts and the occasional head cold.
The MEPs debating the so-called 'red lines' that will form the EU negotiating terms for Brexit have agreed to tone down their demands following an impassioned plea from UKIP MEP Nigel Farage.
A troubled writer of supernatural tales has confounded his fans by returning from his sojourn in an isolated New England backwater not only with a fresh and healthy outlook on life, but also a fully completed first draft of his latest novel.

Master of the macabre Stephen K Torrance, a recovering alcoholic who has recently suffered a string of personal tragedies, checked in at a deserted out-of-season hotel over a month ago, in the hope that the solitude would help combat a crippling bout of writer’s block. ‘It was my hope that the oppressive snow-bound isolation would get the creative juices
'Mr Hawkes met all the essential characteristics on our job specification grid and he excelled under questioning', confirmed Sarah Jones, senior HR manager at Forward Logistics today. 'We asked him to name someone he modelled himself on, and he told us that he was the one and only, and there was nobody he'd rather be. That was a recurring theme in his answers to be honest - you can't take that away from me, I'm sure he said, 4 or 5 times'.
Despite offering the ‘red carpet treatment’ to visiting friends, Aisha and Matt Symonds have been given a less than glowing review for offering their guests special cutlery, parking privileges and the use of ‘the fancy towels’. What should have been a weekend of bonhomie quickly became a critique of the host’s lack of gluten-free meal...
Following the discovery of a massive oil deposit 60 miles west of Shetland, Nicola Sturgeon has called upon oil exploration company, Hurricane Energy, to change the name of the so-called ‘Greater Lancaster’ oil fields to Bagpipe and Haggis in an attempt to stake an official claim for Scotland. ‘Not only are the current names an...
Images feature the major Labour ministers in ‘relaxed and artistic’ poses carrying out their ministerial duties completely in the buff.