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The news that Nigel Farage will not be standing in the general election has been greeted with dismay by voters who were looking forward to the opportunity to tell him to ‘do one’ yet again. ‘I’m really disappointed,’ said Ramsgate resident Fenton Barnes. ‘I was hoping he might stand in our constituency again so I...
Prime minister Theresa May has sparked scenes of joy across the country after announcing a general election, giving every voter in Britain their say on the colour of the handcart we are all going to hell in. “This morning, the Cabinet took the momentous decision to ask the public what it thinks about the colour...
In recent years police crime reports show hipster on hipster crime has risen by almost 97%, with the number of 'scalpings' almost up by 70%. Scalping is a term used when a hipster takes a pair of scissors to another hipster and cuts off either their rivals man bun, or part of their beard.
A father of four-year-old twins caused a full-scale police search this morning after hiding Easter Eggs seven miles from his home in West London. Former army officer Ronan Jones told his sons that an Easter Egg hunt would be held the next day, then left home at 3 a.m., taking a series of night buses and a mini-cab, before secreting the Cadbury’s Buttons eggs under a recycling skip within the perimeter fence of a yacht club in Windsor.
A remake of the hit TV series MASH is to be set upon a US navy supercarrier anchored off the Korean peninsula. Executive producer Harry Winter said that the story will feature the exploits of a group of zany doctors who sit around all day with nothing to do but deal with paper cuts and the occasional head cold.
The MEPs debating the so-called 'red lines' that will form the EU negotiating terms for Brexit have agreed to tone down their demands following an impassioned plea from UKIP MEP Nigel Farage.
A troubled writer of supernatural tales has confounded his fans by returning from his sojourn in an isolated New England backwater not only with a fresh and healthy outlook on life, but also a fully completed first draft of his latest novel.

Master of the macabre Stephen K Torrance, a recovering alcoholic who has recently suffered a string of personal tragedies, checked in at a deserted out-of-season hotel over a month ago, in the hope that the solitude would help combat a crippling bout of writer’s block. ‘It was my hope that the oppressive snow-bound isolation would get the creative juices
'Mr Hawkes met all the essential characteristics on our job specification grid and he excelled under questioning', confirmed Sarah Jones, senior HR manager at Forward Logistics today. 'We asked him to name someone he modelled himself on, and he told us that he was the one and only, and there was nobody he'd rather be. That was a recurring theme in his answers to be honest - you can't take that away from me, I'm sure he said, 4 or 5 times'.
Despite offering the ‘red carpet treatment’ to visiting friends, Aisha and Matt Symonds have been given a less than glowing review for offering their guests special cutlery, parking privileges and the use of ‘the fancy towels’. What should have been a weekend of bonhomie quickly became a critique of the host’s lack of gluten-free meal...
Following the discovery of a massive oil deposit 60 miles west of Shetland, Nicola Sturgeon has called upon oil exploration company, Hurricane Energy, to change the name of the so-called ‘Greater Lancaster’ oil fields to Bagpipe and Haggis in an attempt to stake an official claim for Scotland. ‘Not only are the current names an...
Images feature the major Labour ministers in ‘relaxed and artistic’ poses carrying out their ministerial duties completely in the buff.
A mock terror exercise has been held to simulate a mock terror attack on the city of London. Mock terror has been on the rise since Donald Trump took over as President of the USA, notably the Bowling Green Massacre and whatever happened last night in Sweden.
Tributes have poured in after the passing of Martin McChuckle, who was most famous as one of the comedy slapstick duo the Chuckle Brothers. Together with the Reverend Ian Chuckle, McChuckle brought tears to the eyes of widows and children across the province through their routines about punishment beatings.
Naturalists have announced their plans to release a small troop of Survey Monkeys back into the wild. In news which has been welcomed by both animal rights groups and weary survey participants around the world, it was explained that the rare breed of monkeys were due to be released into a secret destination later this...
The menacing looking year 10 lads who are always at the back of the bus when you get on for school are much, much harder than you, found a study today. Long thought to be the case from anecdotal playground gossip and your elder brother’s teasing at the dinner table, the research found that teenagers...
A Warrington man has agreed to finally wash a pan used for lasagne after only 8 days of soaking. The move comes after his wife threatened to leave. ‘Women don’t understand the value of thorough soaking’, explained the man. ‘She wanted me to scrub it clean using something called ‘elbow grease’. I’ve googled it and it doesn’t bloody exist’.