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Wayne Rooney has provided a timely reminder to fellow Manchester United players of his value to the team, following his appearance on the subs bench last weekend and ongoing speculation that he is out of favour with new manager Jose Mourinho.

‘Out of interest, how are you guys getting to Stoke next weekend?’ Rooney asked a crowded dressing room after Saturday comfortable win over Leicester City. ‘Obviously, I usually take us in my Ford Transit. Nice and warm in there with the underseat heating, we can crank up the tunes on the stereo, but it does kinda depend on whether I’m actually playing
Crystal Palace has reverted to its former existence as a home for old dinosaurs after a very brief attempt to bring it up to the standards associated with modern life. Announcing a brand new era just a couple of months ago, the owners introduced a young, dynamic, forward-thinking manager to transform the establishment which was...
Richard Curtis, writer of such rom-com classics like ‘Notting Hill’, ‘About Time and ‘Four Weddings And A Funeral’, has revealed that his next movie will center around a woman dropping an unflushable log down the toilet of her date’s luxury apartment along the South Bank. The shooting of the movie is almost complete with Hugh...
East European countries are vowing to reintroduce vowels to their languages. ‘Vowels have been endangered in Eastern Europe since before the Second World War,’ said Crystoph ZZvlynski, of the Polish Vowel Research Unit in Warsaw. ‘We have them, some are in our names, but we use them lss and lss.’ Some vowel historians blame increasing...
Theresa May has excited fans by re-energising her reign with a series of inter-cut training shots, accompanied by the theme tune to Steptoe and Son. Stripped to the waist, her fetlocks flowing in the wind, the Maybot 2000 ran in slow motion through a field of genetically modified wheat, followed by repeatedly dropping a dispatch...
Street workers and homeless teenagers have spoken of their excitement at how the self-drive service will speed up their untimely and tragic demise.
It is not clear what his motive was or if he will be formally charged by police, though a spokesman said that alcohol may well have been involved.
ITV cleaning staff responsible for maintaining the studio used to broadcast the popular, This Morning show, have walked out in protest at having to remove the trail of slime that presenter, Eamonn Holmes, leaves in his wake when he leaves the studio each day at midday.
In the wake of violent protests and the removal of controversial statues across the USA, human statues are reporting an increase in hate crimes.
President Trump has agreed to turn what could have been a global conflagration into a quite literal war of words.
All snacks sold on British roadways will be made fit for human consumption by 2040, The Ministry of Transport, in conjunction with the major service station chains, has announced. The move is part of a Europe-wide campaign to phase out ‘dirty’ foods from petrol garages and stop-off food courts, but will also affect ‘hybrid’ meal...
Bargain hunter Eric Standing got less than he bargained for when he bought a painting ‘on a whim’ at his local car boot sale. The painting caught his eye as he rummaged through a pile of loathsome knick-knacks, ugly trinkets and and useless rusting gewgaws at the depressing car boot sale held on a patch...
Reports suggest that an office worker, when asked how his weekend was, replied: “Quite quiet, actually”, implying that every other weekend was spent with a barrage of prostitutes snorting cocaine off a revolving disco ball. The office worker’s colleague, who asked the question, immediately regretted it as she was not remotely interested anyway in the...
A Colchester driver has had the wool pulled over his eyes again by ingenious global petroleum companies, through their clever use of fractions of pence in their pricing, it has been revealed. Steve Vickers subconsciously made the assessment that 114.9 pence per litre was ‘significantly less’ than 115 pence per litre and therefore excellent value...
In response to the bewildering number of price comparison sites now competing to save you money on everything from travel to car insurance, a new comparison site, Shitehawk.com, has been launched to help consumers compare them. ‘I wasn’t sure whether Go Compare, Compare the Market, Confused.com or Money Supermarket would save me most on my...
‘We haven’t seen this particular approach before, in which a man quite brazenly waves a large deposit at sales staff before producing a pen and ruthlessly signing document after document, before riding off on his healthily-gotten gains,’ said a police spokesman.
The farewell handshake between President Trump and his French counterpart Emmanuel Macron has entered its third day with no signs of either man relinquishing their grip. The handshake began on the Champs-Elysees on Friday after Trump attended Bastille Day celebrations with President Macron. ‘I’ve never seen anything like it’ says Le Monde’s Hubert Virenque. ‘At...
Nearly 50 years on, the survivors of the Poseidon Adventure are still waiting to be permanently re-housed on dry land. Rosen, Martin, Nonnie, Susan and Robin, who all managed to make their way through the watertight doors and into the propeller shaft tunnel before finding a way to attract the attention of rescuers have been...
A team at Edinburgh University has announced that it has identified the individual gene found only in those people who claim that they ‘knew something would happen’, despite having no evidence or reason to support their viewpoint. A laboratory test involving 12 mice, 300g of Cathedral City Cheddar and a large wooden mallet studied the...