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A mock terror exercise has been held to simulate a mock terror attack on the city of London. Mock terror has been on the rise since Donald Trump took over as President of the USA, notably the Bowling Green Massacre and whatever happened last night in Sweden.
Tributes have poured in after the passing of Martin McChuckle, who was most famous as one of the comedy slapstick duo the Chuckle Brothers. Together with the Reverend Ian Chuckle, McChuckle brought tears to the eyes of widows and children across the province through their routines about punishment beatings.
Naturalists have announced their plans to release a small troop of Survey Monkeys back into the wild. In news which has been welcomed by both animal rights groups and weary survey participants around the world, it was explained that the rare breed of monkeys were due to be released into a secret destination later this...
The menacing looking year 10 lads who are always at the back of the bus when you get on for school are much, much harder than you, found a study today. Long thought to be the case from anecdotal playground gossip and your elder brother’s teasing at the dinner table, the research found that teenagers...
A Warrington man has agreed to finally wash a pan used for lasagne after only 8 days of soaking. The move comes after his wife threatened to leave. ‘Women don’t understand the value of thorough soaking’, explained the man. ‘She wanted me to scrub it clean using something called ‘elbow grease’. I’ve googled it and it doesn’t bloody exist’.
A 36 year old man is ‘determined’ to filter out extraneous information so that he can recall those parts of the weather forecast which might be relevant to his life. “I always intend to remember the forecast”, he told reporters, “but then it goes on and on about fronts in Northern Ireland and the overnight...
e ghost of James Buchanan, 15th president of the USA, has asked the world to be patient and see how things pan out with Donald Trump. Buchanan, who served one term from 1856 to 1860, failed to prevent the slide to civil war due to his own inertia and pigheaded lack of vision. Most analysts have ranked him plum last of the 43 presidents to date in almost every respect.

‘Four years is a long time, people can change,’ Buchanan’s disembodied spirit said, while wandering disconsolately around a graveyard in rural Pennsylvania and saying ‘wooooo’ for no obvious reason. ‘For instance, I came into o
A Saffron Walden man was said to be 'comfortable but traumatised' in hospital after a dogged attempt to stick to established norms and expectations of behaviour when in a public convenience.

Tony McGough, 34, entered the 3-urinal, 3 cubicle prefab on the High Street just after 2 pm on Wednesday. Opting for the far-left cubicle for a scheduled dump, McGough immediately began to back out when he found an unflushed shit in the pan along with considerable collateral skids on the sides of the porcelain.
The USA is to offer legal protection for straw men. The Truth Recalibration Act 2017, will make it a criminal offence to attack a straw man and will also enshrine the evidential value of bogeymen, homunculi and Texas sharpshooters.
‘Some parties have not aged well.’ said NSA special advisor Luke Mitchell. ‘Whereas Labour was once fresh, energetic and full of goodness, they now smell of stale urine. Millions more votes have been wasted on parties like UKIP that have gone off completely, or are not yet ready, like the Greens.’
Noting that the Earth is at the end of an interglacial period that has seen the creation of many major mountains, such as Mount Everest, named after the double glazing company, Mount Snowden, named after the contractor who spilled NSA information to WikiLeaks and Ysgyryd Fawr in Wales, named after Spit the Dog, scientists have questioned the value of Mountain Rescue teams.
After an improbable leadership victory last season, the Premiership’s strugglers have chosen to part company with ‘the bearded wonder’. This is despite Corbyn having defied critics and bookies to take socialist ideas to the top of a league, a league usually dominated by ‘capitalist scum’ like Man City, Man Utd and George Osborne. Known as...
President Donald Trump announced that under his leadership he fully expects the United States to finally exit the British Empire “within months”. The Colonies issued notice of intention to leave following a referendum in 1776, but negotiations have not proceeded as quickly as was expected, with many blaming the British Empire for playing hardball on...
In a frank interview today Lord Kerr, one of the architects of the Lisbon Treaty and the individual responsible for writing Article 50, admitted that Liz Truss ‘probably understands the article better than everyone, seeing as she scanned through it quickly a couple of days ago.’ He also suspects that Ms Truss has a better...
As well as resembling Clattenburg, the duck's arse is thought to have a comparable level of football knowledge and ability to pay attention what the players around it are doing.
'It all started when me and Spicey were watching Melissa McCarthy's portrayal of him,' said President Trump today. 'He thought they went too far and it would be funnier if they toned it down. But I thought 'Why don't you actually attack the press with your podium like she does?''
So called 'Fake satire' websites such as BBC News and CNN have been entertaining readers with hilarious quotes from Donald Trump and stories of Britain's attempt to negotiate its exit from the EU, even though they claim that they are merely reporting what they call 'reality'.