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Much to the surprise of shoppers, the UK has reduced its worth by 70% – to the price of a discount Belgium or a top-end electric toothbrush. This Friday, trade deals will be available for a fraction of their original cost, with consumers expected to rush out to buy a 55-inch Smart TV or a...
A Doncaster man has been banned from his local gym after it was found that he had been regularly having a post-workout shower without taking a piss at the same time. The offence was spotted by the male changing room cleaner, who noted that the shower tray remained a pristine white colour after Peter Smith, 24, emerged at 630pm each evening, rather than having the more typical light yellow film around the edges.
Twitter has doubled the number of characters its subscribers can use in their tweets from 140 to 280, sparking both consternation and jubilation across the world. Vehement opponent of the micro-blogging website, Dave Payne’s wife from Carshalton, said: ‘This means I’m not going to see him at all now. It’s been bad enough with a...
While the deactivation of President Trump’s Twitter account has caused consternation, very few people have noticed the absence of Mr, Trump on Friends Reunited. Likewise social media users seem unconcerned that the President has been inactive on iTunes Ping from 2012 and following tensions with North Korea, has barely posted on Friendster. Initially a rogue...
Regional rail enthusiasts Later Anglia are countering the recent cold snap by boosting the temperature in their rail cars to levels that can vaporise tungsten, it has been confirmed. Combined with the recent chill caused by high pressure and a polar maritime air mass across the UK, the company’s latest thermal adjustments mean that commuters...
For decades, the pen industry has been using women as plentiful source of blue ink; with a typical ratio, of one menstruation to a thousand ballpoints. Sadly ‘Bodyform’ sanitary towels are insisting that ladies abandon their traditional blue hue for an unconvincing red, just like Tony Blair. As we now know, human female DNA has...
Teachers’ unions reacted with dismay today as the Midland Examining Group announced that, for GCSE courses starting from September 2018, it will begin offering a new qualification in ‘Test theory and Examination technique’ with the first exams to be set in summer 2020. ‘We see this as the culmination of a drive by successive governments...
President Trump has added the state of Moronvia to his list of banned countries. In a tweet last night he said: 'We have to get tough on Moronvia. These Morons represent a real threat to the American people #keepmoronsout.'
Tony said, 'I tried my hand at stand-up comedy once, but it was quite hard writing actual jokes and stuff, and anyway I’m pretty sure people prefer my slapstick stuff and general goofing around. They can't get enough me, the office would be pretty dull if I were to leave.'
'Just found out that it was an American that killed more of our citizens in Las Vegas in one night than ISIS, North Korea and the NFL COMBINED have managed all year. Ban all Americans now. ONLY SOLUTION!!!!!' said the President, in his now-traditional Monday 3:00a.m. Twitter rant to the nation.
Tired of waiting for President Trump to rise to the bait, the UN's favorite rogue nations have decided to go head to head by sending insulting messages to the other. The first message, sent to Kim Jong-un from iran@probablysomewhereinthemiddleeast.com, said he looks like a Tellytubby with lego hair, and anyway Kim is a girl's name.
The former Press Secretary has admitted that the nausea associated with being President Trump’s mouthpiece, did not prepare him for the full horror of a snog from James Corden. Despite once having Trump oozing out of every orifice, Mr. Spicer admitted that only Mr. Corden had made him feel as dirty as a North Korean...
Ryanair has come up with another clever way of making more money by deciding to charge passengers an extra fee for those who want to travel on an actual aircraft. After purchasing their tickets passengers will be given the option of a plane or no plane. CEO Michael O’Leary hopes most people will choose to...
Wayne Rooney has provided a timely reminder to fellow Manchester United players of his value to the team, following his appearance on the subs bench last weekend and ongoing speculation that he is out of favour with new manager Jose Mourinho.

‘Out of interest, how are you guys getting to Stoke next weekend?’ Rooney asked a crowded dressing room after Saturday comfortable win over Leicester City. ‘Obviously, I usually take us in my Ford Transit. Nice and warm in there with the underseat heating, we can crank up the tunes on the stereo, but it does kinda depend on whether I’m actually playing
Crystal Palace has reverted to its former existence as a home for old dinosaurs after a very brief attempt to bring it up to the standards associated with modern life. Announcing a brand new era just a couple of months ago, the owners introduced a young, dynamic, forward-thinking manager to transform the establishment which was...
Richard Curtis, writer of such rom-com classics like ‘Notting Hill’, ‘About Time and ‘Four Weddings And A Funeral’, has revealed that his next movie will center around a woman dropping an unflushable log down the toilet of her date’s luxury apartment along the South Bank. The shooting of the movie is almost complete with Hugh...
East European countries are vowing to reintroduce vowels to their languages. ‘Vowels have been endangered in Eastern Europe since before the Second World War,’ said Crystoph ZZvlynski, of the Polish Vowel Research Unit in Warsaw. ‘We have them, some are in our names, but we use them lss and lss.’ Some vowel historians blame increasing...
Theresa May has excited fans by re-energising her reign with a series of inter-cut training shots, accompanied by the theme tune to Steptoe and Son. Stripped to the waist, her fetlocks flowing in the wind, the Maybot 2000 ran in slow motion through a field of genetically modified wheat, followed by repeatedly dropping a dispatch...
Street workers and homeless teenagers have spoken of their excitement at how the self-drive service will speed up their untimely and tragic demise.