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Steven Hawking has handed his legacy to the long suffering voice synthesiser, it has emerged. Friends close to the the 76 year old titan of theoretical physics -who died on Wednesday- said that in recent years Hawking had delegated increasing amounts of the more mundane elements of black hole research to the machine. ‘At first...
Cressida Harmsworth's sense of pride and empowerment for her gender on International Women's Day was spoilt when her kitchen tap sprang a leak, forcing her to call a plumber who would almost certainly be male.
The bloke standing outside the supermarket with a massive umbrella has finally shifted an RAC membership, he has claimed.
A couple who used to do really cool romantic stuff on Valentine’s Day in the early stages of their relationship, have admitted they did ‘fuck all’ last night. This seems to back up relationship experts’ theories that the much hyped day of love is really just a 'bunch of arse'.
A cyclist from Exmouth who disappeared after riding into a pothole on the B3178 is still missing, Devon and Cornwall police have confirmed. Search and rescue teams have been scouring the pothole since first light in search of Jason Beesley, whose Durango 29 Sport has been found on a ledge about 50 feet down inside...
After years in the shadows, website Friends Reunited has pounced on a reecent drop in Facebook’s share price to launch a ‘hearts and minds’ takeover bid on the US copycat site. ‘We were the first, the best and we believe the only social networking site,’ said Cynthia, who holds the rights to the website address,...
A white house spokesman has denied that President Trump deliberately snubbed the UK by leaving it off his list of ‘shithouse’ countries.  The spokesman said ‘I can assure the people of Great Britain that the president truly regrets not including them along with nations such as Haiti, El Salvador and Nicaragua. Sadly, he misspoke during...
The Royal Surrey County Hospital has been sold to car park operator NCP in the first deal of its kind, although other such sales might soon become commonplace if all goes well according to City financial experts.  From March all patients at the Guildford Infirmary will face the prospect of feeding bedside meters at a...
Fogeys, fops and dandies are ‘joyful’ today as the season for using words like ’tis, ’twas and ‘twixt has arrived. ‘I love those olde-worlde, Dickensian words and expressions,’ said articled clerk Roger Tweed, 57. ‘I was only saying to Mrs Tweed on the 16th inst. how splendid it will be to ask people what their...
It has come to our attention that Prince Harry is being forced to have his future wife sign a prenuptial agreement. According to "inside sources", the terms so far state that 'in the event of a termination of marriage' Meghan will be granted ownership of 11 of the original 13 colonies per the boundaries as of 04.July.1776.
British universities could soon be offering students the opportunity to take and pass a degree in their lunchbreak, no longer having to give up their current employment. And for those that can not pay the full the fees, they will have the option of settling the bill by washing up the dishes.
French networking sites, bloggers and newsgroups were abuzz with claims that Johnny Hallyday faked his own death in order to live anonymously. Alleged sightings of the singer are now flooding internet forums with claims that he was seen boarding an aeroplane to Argentina, others say Hallyday had grown a long white beard as a disguise and had even attended his own funeral.
For merely the tenth year in a row, the McClusky household has been thrown into turmoil upon the disquieting discovery that someone failed to put the Christmas lights away tidily. The calumnious deed was made worse by the fact that everything was covered in glitter and pine needles; while the box containing the crib scene...
After decades of investigation and cottaging, police have revealed the identity of the man behind the most notorious of crimes – second only to James Corden’s agent. Ahmet Hill, of Croydon, stands accused of a flagrant disregard for toilet hygiene, causing untold blockages and being ‘a terrible advert’ for Wrigley.
In a surprise move, Boris Johnson’s hair has declared itself a sentient being capable of feeling shame and therefore will be dissolving their semi-successful double act at the end of panto season. In fact, the hair, now revealed as Darren Wallis, told reporters that it wishes to be taken more seriously in future. Mr Wallis...
Much to the surprise of shoppers, the UK has reduced its worth by 70% – to the price of a discount Belgium or a top-end electric toothbrush. This Friday, trade deals will be available for a fraction of their original cost, with consumers expected to rush out to buy a 55-inch Smart TV or a...