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In an addendum to his address to the United Nations Wednesday, President Trump promised, "Swift and utter annihilation of Mauritius," during a press conference with members of the international media this morning.
Quarterback Matt Ryan tore both his ACL and MCL when he slipped on a patch of ice this morning. A seemingly unlikely accident considering the balmy weather in Atlanta this time of year, your starting fantasy football quarterback will miss the rest of the season along with the rest of your first string roster, all of whom were also either suspended, placed on injured reserve or died during the last 24 hours.
The author of over one dozen papers questioning the validity of climate change, Balling, who resides in Florida's Ft. Myers area, went on to deny that she has ever owned any outdoor furniture or that she once had a trampoline in her backyard despite reports to the contrary.
A comprehensive update on the whereabouts of the players on everybody's favorite 50s sit-com.
Reportedly nearly seven minutes long and utilizing various graphs and charts generated on Microsoft Excel, the son-in-law to the President's four-slide PowerPoint presentation quantifying his progress on such assignments as brokering peace in the Middle East, solving the nation's opioid epidemic, reforming the criminal justice system and serving as a liaison to the Middle East, China and Mexico was later released to the press.
The internet's largest pornography website announced today that it will join other corporations in making a sizable donation to Hurricane Harvey relief funds.
Our kids are often more perceptive than we give them credit for, and as any parent raising a child in today's web connected world already knows, it's nearly impossible to shield them from the world's most unpleasant truths. The fact that the president of their country and the most powerful man in the world is literally, certifiably mentally ill, for example, can be a difficult topic to broach, but is one that is immensely important.
Calling the display, "Odious and incomprehensible," prominent African American activist Frederick Douglass appeared in person to confront a group of White Nationalists protesting at his statue in Baltimore today.
White supremacy evidently doesn't apply to Family Feud, judging from one racist family's performance on the popular game show.
The focus of investigators since purchasing The Mirage Casino in Las Vegas with winnings he collected from a halftime Super Bowl wager on the New England Patriots in February, 47 year-old former quantum physics professor Daniel Morrissey also reaped millions from bets he made on the Chicago Cubs in October, less than two weeks before the November, 8th election.
The couple, Anna Faris, who is apparently an actress of some kind, and Chris Pratt, likely a country western singer guessing from his name, were married for some period of time after probably having met on the set of some shitty TV show or the after party of some shitty music awards event.
In bestowing the honor for his "conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity," the President detailed how he repeatedly confronted near-certain death in the course of saving 11 fellow soldiers during a battle along Vietnam's central coast in 1969.
For unsuspecting residents of senior living community Silver Eagle Estates in Kingman, Arizona, it seemed too crazy to be believed: the quiet, unassuming couple next door had turned out to be gay.
More from everybody's favorite dysfunctional cartoon family.
"This administration is about transparency, and that's what this is all about," Sanders Huckabee, wearing nothing but a pair of high-heeled shoes, remarked. "The President has nothing to hide."
Romper!, a western grey kangaroo, was elected Prime Minister of Australia last night in the latest of a series of stunning right-wing political upsets to rock the Western World.
Eric Trump will look to make baseball great again when he jets to South Beach as a member of this year's American League All-Star Team.
Oh, hey everybody! If it isn't my son Donald, the big shot President! Just look at him, sitting at his big, snazzy desk in his big, important Oval Office in his big, fancy White House. Whoop-dee doo!
Water games are usually a great way to beat the heat and have some fun on the 4th of July. That is, unless you're one of the dozens of children every year whose parent or guardian puts the Slip'n Slide too close to a laundry post and you break every bone in your face.
A former Miss Kentucky, the gorgeous, young Allison Markley attained international success both in fashion and on screen during the early 1970s, appearing on runways all over the world and in such films as "Accidental Disclosure," and "Someone Kidnapped My Daughter."