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Merrick

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Having just returned from a grueling 13-day, 5 nation tour of Asia, President Trump may be disappointed to learn that he could be asked to spend a lot more time abroad after an analysis revealed that his trip made the region significantly dumber.
Jon Stewart became the latest celebrity to face charges of sexual misconduct today after it was alleged that the actor and comedian anally assaulted hundreds of kittens while volunteering at a Long Island animal shelter.
President Trump's embattled former campaign manager Paul Manafort was shot by an Atlantic City night-club owner today as he was being transported from his Trump Tower condo to a New York City-area detention center for his own safety.
Still facing fallout over a phone call he placed to the widow of a Green Beret killed in Niger last week that many deemed insensitive, Donald Trump sought to mend fences with the family today by sending a Subway party sub to their home.
A new report released by the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Friday reveals that dogs and cats, rabbits, guinea pigs and even fish in the US and around the world are suffering an unprecedented burden at the hands of their emotionally distraught owners since Donald Trump was elected President last November.
Debunking the commonly held belief that ex-49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick was the first NFL player to take a knee during the National Anthem, it was discovered this weekend that retired star running back Ricky Williams has been protesting racial injustice in the same manner from the privacy of his own home since 2012.
Okay, yeah, so it was recently revealed that after a lengthy political career as an outspoken opponent of abortion I asked a woman with whom I had been engaged in an extramarital affair to terminate her pregnancy, but, well. Let's just say, no more abortions again, starting... now!
One week after being revived from the vegetative state in which he has spent the last two years, Brian Walcott of Columbus, Ohio has made one simple request of the medical miracle workers who brought him back from the abyss: "Put me back under."
In an addendum to his address to the United Nations Wednesday, President Trump promised, "Swift and utter annihilation of Mauritius," during a press conference with members of the international media this morning.
Quarterback Matt Ryan tore both his ACL and MCL when he slipped on a patch of ice this morning. A seemingly unlikely accident considering the balmy weather in Atlanta this time of year, your starting fantasy football quarterback will miss the rest of the season along with the rest of your first string roster, all of whom were also either suspended, placed on injured reserve or died during the last 24 hours.
The author of over one dozen papers questioning the validity of climate change, Balling, who resides in Florida's Ft. Myers area, went on to deny that she has ever owned any outdoor furniture or that she once had a trampoline in her backyard despite reports to the contrary.
A comprehensive update on the whereabouts of the players on everybody's favorite 50s sit-com.
Reportedly nearly seven minutes long and utilizing various graphs and charts generated on Microsoft Excel, the son-in-law to the President's four-slide PowerPoint presentation quantifying his progress on such assignments as brokering peace in the Middle East, solving the nation's opioid epidemic, reforming the criminal justice system and serving as a liaison to the Middle East, China and Mexico was later released to the press.
The internet's largest pornography website Pornhub.com announced today that it will join other corporations in making a sizable donation to Hurricane Harvey relief funds.
Our kids are often more perceptive than we give them credit for, and as any parent raising a child in today's web connected world already knows, it's nearly impossible to shield them from the world's most unpleasant truths. The fact that the president of their country and the most powerful man in the world is literally, certifiably mentally ill, for example, can be a difficult topic to broach, but is one that is immensely important.
Calling the display, "Odious and incomprehensible," prominent African American activist Frederick Douglass appeared in person to confront a group of White Nationalists protesting at his statue in Baltimore today.
White supremacy evidently doesn't apply to Family Feud, judging from one racist family's performance on the popular game show.
The focus of investigators since purchasing The Mirage Casino in Las Vegas with winnings he collected from a halftime Super Bowl wager on the New England Patriots in February, 47 year-old former quantum physics professor Daniel Morrissey also reaped millions from bets he made on the Chicago Cubs in October, less than two weeks before the November, 8th election.
The couple, Anna Faris, who is apparently an actress of some kind, and Chris Pratt, likely a country western singer guessing from his name, were married for some period of time after probably having met on the set of some shitty TV show or the after party of some shitty music awards event.
In bestowing the honor for his "conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity," the President detailed how he repeatedly confronted near-certain death in the course of saving 11 fellow soldiers during a battle along Vietnam's central coast in 1969.