Check Please!

Patrick Riot
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In the first known plan by a group of fish to overthrow the federal government, the FBI announced they had foiled a plan by sharks to storm the White House and eat the staff and President. The President has called on congress to fund a new "Shark Wall" to be built around the entire country.
After receiving a few too many text messages while on vacation, a local man has decided he is going to have to let his boss go.
Citing “creative differences” and a need to explore new territory, President Obama announced he was leaving the Ex-Presidents to pursue personal projects.
The inadvertent alert, which sent millions of Hawaiians scrambling for cover, would never have happened if it weren't for those pesky orange jellybeans.
Evangelicals came out this week in support of the President’s ban on immigrants from “shithole countries” and urged the US to import more Norwegians ASAP.
Long-suffering under a steady stream of mockery over the years, Jesus returned to Earth Monday to finally smite "these godless purveyors of nonsense and buffoonery."
President-elect Donald Trump today announced his 2018 plan to Make America Even Greater by increasing his decibel levels across the board by +25 dB.
Now that a comprehensive tax bill has been signed into law, relieved Republicans can finally begin impeachment proceedings.
Hoping to duplicate the success of Bitcoin and other digital currencies, Sesame Street today announced the creation of Bertcoin.
Although the Surgeon General tried to convince him otherwise, President Trump announced today that Americans should take up smoking for its considerable health benefits.
Although their presence is ubiquitous across the United States, Americans are doing their best to pretend that there aren't thousands of UFOs in the sky.
Steve Jurvonovich, an IT professional who has been handling the complex math involved in the US federal tax overhaul, has notified congress that he can't add.
A local man preoccupied over which Netflix series to watch next sustained burns to his retinas while staring straight into the sun.
Reading can be fun, but for this local book club, realizing they were just there for the wine has really cut out a lot of the unnecessary talking.
NASA has long struggled to find a way to send men back to the moon without incurring high costs. President Trump has found a solution: miniature astronauts.
Out of respect for wildfire victims, stations will remove the words "safe and warm" from the popular song. Because this whole fire thing is getting ridiculous.
Although you really admire your friends crafty skills, he might be going a little too far this year with his Christmas card project. For instance, murder.
The two sides will take the field and engage each other in a horrific scene of carnage to settle once and for all which of them is keeper of the ultimate truth.
The tiny flightless birds, promising an ass-whooping like the human race has never seen, swarmed into the oceans and began swimming furiously north.
President Trump has promised to personally ensure that the next Miss America will survive to be crowned, even if there is a global thermonuclear war with Korea.