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MakeAmericaTheBest

http://makeamericathebest.com
Patrick Riot
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In the wake of revelations concerning contributions by Russian oligarchs, the National Rifle Association announced an official name change to better clarify its goals in the US, and will be known going forward as the National Russian Association.
A 1970's classic rock anthem from deceased singer-songwriter Warren Zevon was given a new lease on life Thursday in the nation's capital when it was played repeatedly for over four hours at an unusually loud volume in the West Wing of the White House.
"This is not a war we asked for," said General Cornwall Grouse to a small gathering of reporters at an undisclosed location on the outskirts of Juneau, "but it is a war we intend to win."
A new study released this week found that there was, in fact, no escape from the hellscape we inhabit called "being alive" except for a most likely painful and distressing death. Also, there are Bugles.
During an otherwise restful sleep, your dreams took an unexpected turn last night when German Chancellor Angela Merkel emerged from a forbidding forest to give you the location of a crucial cheat code for the video game Red Dead Redemption 2.
Although often maligned for not knowing the significance of American history, President Trump delivered an impassioned speech today to commemorate the anniversary of President Lincoln's "Gettysberg Address" in the town of Schittysberg, Kentucky.
In a gesture of goodwill toward Democrats this week, House Republicans said they are glad to be "moving forward" after the 2018 midterm elections and are "ready to work in a spirit of bi-partisanship and mutual respect".
After making the alarming announcement that Georgia's voting system had been hacked on the eve of the midterm elections, Secretary of State Brian Kemp announced this morning that the whole thing was just a crazy prank to rile people up.
Suffering from extreme fatigue and a broken political system that pits two unappealing parties against each other in never-ending rounds of bickering, voters across the US ran to the polls in huge numbers today in a bid to be ruled by a king and queen.
As local man Gerry Gurstaed nears retirement age, he is looking forward to watching the company he worked so hard for enjoy spending all the money it made off him over many years.
In a bid to secure thousands of low-paying jobs that no American wants, a caravan of workers from Central America stormed the US border with a goal of replacing roofs, harvesting farm produce, cleaning up hotel rooms, and generally taking care of the US population against their will.
In spite of alleged audio evidence of the killing of Wall Street Journal Reporter Jamaal Kashoggi, President Trump today insisted authorities look into a "mysterious 400 pound man" who, according to the president, has been involved in a series of crimes against the nation.
Scientists at NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab this week announced the historic discovery of a newspaper clipping on Mars, proving that intelligent life once inhabited the red planet. And also, that all life on earth is essentially toast.
In a harshly worded statement that left no room for interpretation, leaders of the democratic party today demanded in no uncertain terms that President Trump must not, under any circumstances, attempt to juggle chainsaws blindfolded.
Now that Brett Kavanaugh has been confirmed to the US Supreme Court, justices were already looking forward to the devil may care attitude and the subsequent partying they are sure he will bring.
On the heels of successfully renaming the “North American Free Trade Agreement” as the “United States-Mexico-Canada Agreement,” President Trump followed up today by announcing a new title for the country’s popular national anthem.
A federal judge this week released a local man who had been on death row for fourteen years after new evidence came to light showing that he was at the beach the entire time during the week of the murder.
“We were as surprised an anyone,” said the lead technician on the project, Professor Luken Balden. “But the universe is, in fact, exactly shaped like this popular American cellular phone. Go figure!"
In an impromptu visit surprising the Judiciary Committee that recommended his confirmation 27 years ago, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas stopped by the US Senate this week to reminisce with the legislative branch about his hearing way back in the day.
In what is being seen as generally a foregone conclusion, sources in Washington agreed Tuesday that Attorney General Sessions is pretty much responsible for a recent hurricane, and Former FBI Director James Comey probably had a hand in it, too.