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Cory is a Analyst from Los Angeles
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WASHINGTON - President Trump is shaking up his cabinet yet again with the appointment of AR-15 as the new Secretary of Health and Human Services. ​

​"I aim to protect all remaining American lives by making it easier to buy guns," said AR-15.
WASHINGTON - President Trump decided to surprise the first lady by arranging a romantic solitary Valentine's day dinner just for her. According to everyone around Melania, this is exactly what she was hoping for and was very pleased with the gesture.
The retail and tech giant Amazon is seeking to disrupt healthcare in America by offering its own competitive healthcare options. Amazon is teaming up with Berkshire Hathaway and JP Morgan to take a giant slice out of the multi trillion dollar industry. The news immediately caused healthcare stocks to fall.
NEW YORK, NY - The notorious gang giant MS-13 experienced its worst stock drop in nearly 2 years. Experts speculate that investors are selling shares in the gang due the latest jobs report as well as recent rhetoric from Donald Trump's state of the union speech.
WASHINGTON - Mounting media attention for Russia’s Status-6 torpedo, a so called “doomsday weapon”, has prompted Trump to announce plans to build a “death star”. The move is seen by many in Washington as “stupid”.
Muckie Grendle, a 34 year old man from Bakersfield and voracious carrot consumer, rushed himself to the emergency room after pulling out a live 3 lb rabbit from his rectum.
The crash resulted in the collective loss of over $300 billion dollars worth of bitcoins. The price of just a single Bitcoin was $13,900 USD and climbing. Now it's all worthless.
WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump unceremoniously laid out national flags from various non-white countries on the floor of the oval office and proceeded to “take a dump” on each one.
The city is seeking a court order to clean up a house where decades of piled trash have provided a haven for rats and feral humans. These deplorable conditions are truly heart breaking.
The world collectively woke up to a horrifying reality as they quickly discovered that 2017 started all over again.
WASHINGTON - A police officer can now shoot a goldfish if it moves when the officer enters a home, under a new federal court ruling issued this month.
ST. LOUIS, MO - Due to budget constraints, the Valley Family Zoo has sold it’s most interesting animals such as tigers, giraffes, elephants, and hippos and replaced them with stray cats and dogs, pigeons, rodents, cockroaches, and chickens.
VENTURA, CA - Daniel Fuller’s body was supposed to go to Thousand Oaks Cemetery, but a mix up sent his body to Ventura Gardens Cemetery where a funeral was scheduled for a Mr. Damien Fowler.

Daniel Fuller (dead), “At first I thought it was a prank, but then I realized somebody just totally fucked up.”
“K-PAX” star Kevin Spacey alleges he was groped by “Pay It Forward” star Kevin Spacey.
In an obvious PR stunt, Saudi Arabia, known for its human rights issues, has granted a driver’s license to a human female driver for the first time.
WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump's Halloween costume is drawing criticism from the left. Trump Tweeted while at a klan rally, "I don't know what the big deal is. I wear this costume every year. Now liberals are waging a war on Halloween. Sad!"
FLORIDA - Congressional candidate Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera drew ridicule this week when she said that she was taken aboard senator Ted Cruz’s spaceship when she was a child.
In response to the Trump administration dropping healthcare subsidies, Hooba Canoes Industries is announcing that we will astronomically raise your health plan rates beyond what you can afford.
WASHINGTON - BREAKING: President Trump's Health Department is preparing to release an official document defining life as “beginning at pussy grab” — a move that could signal incoming actions against abortion, contraception, and not getting sexually assaulted by presidents and creeps.
President Trump on Wednesday lashed out over a critical NBC News report and is now calling for the complete destruction of all TV sets, fax machines, vacuum's, or any other "confusing technology" capable of broadcasting what he calls "fake news".