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Cory is a Analyst from Los Angeles
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The Trump administration announced on Monday that it will reverse Obama-era standards that banned dumping bright green toxic waste directly on your head.
SCOTTSDALE, AZ – Area man Larry Grendle really loves pouring on the ranch. Grendle, an HR consultant for an insurance agency, regularly sits alone at his desk eating iceberg lettuce salad drenched in a breathtaking amount of Hidden Valley Ranch dressing.
WASHINGTON - The attorney representing adult film star Stormy Daniels offered president Donald Trump a settlement which grants joint custody of the hideously grotesque creature spawn to president Trump. This settlement would be in exchange for releasing Ms. Daniels from the non-disclosure agreement she signed in October 2016 as well as child support.
LOS ANGELES, CA - The oral hygiene company Crest has unveiled the latest in teeth coloring technology. Its new line of teeth coloring strips will start out with 5 color options: blue, green, red, purple, and orange. The product is expected to hit store shelves later this year.
LOS ANGELES, CA - Scientists at Hooba Labs used genetic modification to create the first ever watermelon consisting almost entirely of seeds.
WASHINGTON - President Trump is shaking up his cabinet yet again with the appointment of AR-15 as the new Secretary of Health and Human Services. ​

​"I aim to protect all remaining American lives by making it easier to buy guns," said AR-15.
WASHINGTON - President Trump decided to surprise the first lady by arranging a romantic solitary Valentine's day dinner just for her. According to everyone around Melania, this is exactly what she was hoping for and was very pleased with the gesture.
The retail and tech giant Amazon is seeking to disrupt healthcare in America by offering its own competitive healthcare options. Amazon is teaming up with Berkshire Hathaway and JP Morgan to take a giant slice out of the multi trillion dollar industry. The news immediately caused healthcare stocks to fall.
NEW YORK, NY - The notorious gang giant MS-13 experienced its worst stock drop in nearly 2 years. Experts speculate that investors are selling shares in the gang due the latest jobs report as well as recent rhetoric from Donald Trump's state of the union speech.
WASHINGTON - Mounting media attention for Russia’s Status-6 torpedo, a so called “doomsday weapon”, has prompted Trump to announce plans to build a “death star”. The move is seen by many in Washington as “stupid”.
Muckie Grendle, a 34 year old man from Bakersfield and voracious carrot consumer, rushed himself to the emergency room after pulling out a live 3 lb rabbit from his rectum.
The crash resulted in the collective loss of over $300 billion dollars worth of bitcoins. The price of just a single Bitcoin was $13,900 USD and climbing. Now it's all worthless.
WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump unceremoniously laid out national flags from various non-white countries on the floor of the oval office and proceeded to “take a dump” on each one.
The city is seeking a court order to clean up a house where decades of piled trash have provided a haven for rats and feral humans. These deplorable conditions are truly heart breaking.
The world collectively woke up to a horrifying reality as they quickly discovered that 2017 started all over again.
WASHINGTON - A police officer can now shoot a goldfish if it moves when the officer enters a home, under a new federal court ruling issued this month.
ST. LOUIS, MO - Due to budget constraints, the Valley Family Zoo has sold it’s most interesting animals such as tigers, giraffes, elephants, and hippos and replaced them with stray cats and dogs, pigeons, rodents, cockroaches, and chickens.
VENTURA, CA - Daniel Fuller’s body was supposed to go to Thousand Oaks Cemetery, but a mix up sent his body to Ventura Gardens Cemetery where a funeral was scheduled for a Mr. Damien Fowler.

Daniel Fuller (dead), “At first I thought it was a prank, but then I realized somebody just totally fucked up.”
“K-PAX” star Kevin Spacey alleges he was groped by “Pay It Forward” star Kevin Spacey.
In an obvious PR stunt, Saudi Arabia, known for its human rights issues, has granted a driver’s license to a human female driver for the first time.