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I bet that turkey was up to all kinds of no good. It totally deserved to be carved into bits.
Who really wants to go running when you could be drinking gravy from a mug?
“There musta been a hell of a lot of ghosts there, I’ll tell you that.”
On Friday the White House announced that the President approved a classified napkin which Congressman Devin Nunes insists represents “entire minutes” of deep investigation.
Exhaustive research by the professionals at the Canard Press newsroom has come up with the following seven no-fail tips to help you get through the day.
NASA denied paying anything for the eclipse. Naturally, an anonymous White House spokesman promised a “full investigation of those deceitful NASA eggheads.”
"If I have to choose between renting to a filthy, seething mound of disease-laden roaches wearing a trench coat in a futile attempt to appear human, and an actual white supremacist nazi, I’m going with the mound of deceptive bugs."
“Doesn’t have to be great, doesn’t have to include wifi, just has to get us back in time a little bit,” muttered a well-placed anonymous spokesman from the office of Boy Scouts of America.
From now on, customers who order food at McDonald’s may or may not be allowed to finish their “meal” in peace.
“Maybe if I send Netflix more money they’ll develop more original content,” Spencer said with just a hint of desperation in his voice.
Garcia, like many people, has taken to reading the news only in short bursts, reinforced with Xanax and a box of kittens he keeps around specifically to offset the negativity of world events.
"It’s like Trump’s executive orders are alt-right fanfiction, written by a middle-schooler who failed US History."
"Man, when Trump pays us after the inauguration, all our financial woes will be solved."
Obama considered keeping the codes himself, but realized that he would be once again be subject to racial profiling by the police effective 9:30am January 20.
Many cited the alcoholic content of the thing, which is sufficiently combustible to power a Ford Fusion for fifteen to twenty miles in case of emergency.
I’ve spent five fifty on this frothy thing, and I don’t feel I’m getting my goddamned money’s worth out of the transaction.
“Following this particular set of rules you’d be drinking an entire fifth of bourbon in the first twelve minutes of the debate,” said Murthy. “It’s just not safe, people.”