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Satan claims that Manson sexually assaulted him as the two were posing for a selfie soon after Manson’s arrival. “That’s pretty brazen,” Satan remarked, “Even for Charlie. He and I go way back but, when I felt him squeeze my ass while we were trying to get the picture, I was like, dude, come on.”

Trump has always had an affinity for Steely Dan’s Aja (pronounced Asia), and he really wants to delve deeper into the significance of the 1977 album.

Showing his solidarity with NFL social justice players, filmmaker Michael Moore took a knee today to join in protest over the national anthem controversy. Just after Moore took a knee, seismologists at the University of Michigan reported a rare 4.6 magnitude earthquake in the state.

Cher maintained, “I don’t care whether they’re gypsies, tramps, or thieves. Half-breeds? I’ll take as many as I can. I’m urging my fellow celebrity friends to open their homes to these kids too.”

Gavin Whitley, owner of Rainbows and Spoonicorns, explained the comforting game this way: “Spooning, also known as ‘knocking at the back door,’ ‘gateway hugging,’ and ‘jetpacking,....

Gilmour continued, “The chapter ‘Us and Them’ is very unsettling, yet dreamy, with the ‘Them’ being something mysterious and scary that will have the little buggers pissing themselves before the end of the chapter. Waterproof sheets not included!”

“Count ’em out, soldier!” Kelly ordered. “Your mama ain’t here anymore! I’m going to whip this White House staff into a lean, mean political machine – or die tryin’.”

Hawaii judge Derrick Watson, along with judges from a 9th Circuit appeals panel, have blocked White House press secretary Sean Spicer's resignation from taking effect.

Try as they might, North Korea hasn’t had much luck with their rocket launches lately. They’d like to impress their enemies by showing off the nation’s military might, but tests have so far been less than intimidating.

Whereas the American bomb is GPS guided and has a devastating effect over a mile in all directions from the impact site, North Korea’s bomb never seems to impress anyone, no matter how hard it tries. It’s considered the black sheep of the explosives family.

After a doctor was forcibly removed from a plane this week for refusing to give up his seat after being asked, a spokeswoman for United explained the incident. “The passenger didn’t realize they had purchased a maybe seat...

Former ambassador Susan Rice has been outed as the villain who “unmasked” President Trump and his aides last year after spying on them. Now, she's been unmasked.

The highlight of the performance speech was when Hillary broke into a rap – accompanied by a sick beat – and unveiled her new empowering motto, titled “Resist, Insist, Persist, Enlist.” (see the rest of her rap)

"...kids whose parents appear on FNC think the judge could be part werewolf. “You should see him coming out of the pool at company picnics. With that low hairline, he looks like a stocky sheepdog.”

SEATTLE - The celebrating by New England Patriots fans will have to be put on hold after a federal judge, and Seattle Seahawks fan, ruled that Tom Brady’s comeback victory is probably unconstitutional.

Halfway through his self-congratulatory speech, the president paused to award himself the distinguished "Greatest President Ever" medal. He almost blushed when telling the crowd that he was the first and only recipient of the award.

When, what to my vacationing eyes should appear,
But the host of The Apprentice, looking quite cavalier;
I had seen that comb-over, he was tall and was plump,
I knew in a moment, it must be St. Trump;

Usually, the news story is obviously satire, photoshopped, or simply made up to get a laugh from the audience because of its absurdity. But while the real Paul Revere was a hero, internet Paul Reveres are not.

WASHINGTON – House Republicans will pass a resolution designating President Barack Obama’s ego as an “honorary Republican,” when they return to work after the holiday. The legislation is meant to be a hat tip to the president...

NEW YORK – Now that Clinton stock is dropping like a stone, following Hillary’s loss to Donald Trump for the presidency, the Clinton Foundation has announced it’s having a fire sale. All of its services are being offered at ridiculously low prices.