GOP Candidates Race to Match Trump's Criminality with Spate of Arrests

Former Vice President Mike Pence was arrested for urinating in a public fountain in Cedar Rapids, Iowa yesterday, the latest in a rash of crimes being committed by Republican presidential candidates shifting tactics in response to mounting data showing that the indictments against Donald Trump have only helped him strengthen his front-runner status for the 2024 GOP nomination.

Pence, a devout Christian known for his steadfast moral convictions, called the resulting public indecency charges against him 'bull-hockey' before attempting to grope a female reporter's chest outside the police station where he was booked.

"I'm sorry, but I thought this was America!" Pence, seemingly intoxicated despite being inside the station for hours, slurred.

Not to be outdone, Chris Christie was taken into custody this morning after a press conference failed to materialize outside the Concord, New Hampshire Denny's he robbed at gunpoint while Ron DeSantis confessed today to hacking a website dedicated to raising money for American war widows, making off with over $3 million.

"Yeah, whatever. Quit your crying and get a job," DeSantis jeered. "Personally, I prefer veterans who didn't die."

Though its still too early to determine whether the candidates' efforts to match Trump's criminality will improve their standing with Republican voters, Pence's 'Committed to America' PAC has reportedly received triple its usual daily donations over the last 24 hours.

"Kiss my tail feathers," Pence said.