Billionaire Suicide Epidemic: Petro Tycoons Lower Selves into Active Volcano

A rash of elaborate billionaire suicides has the international psychiatric community investigating why some of the world's wealthiest individuals are choosing to take their own lives.

The latest incident, which saw petroleum tycoon brothers Temerlin and Arman Orazov lower themselves into an active volcano in the Philippines Tuesday, came just one week after the submersible implosion that took the lives of British-Pakistani billionaire Shahzada Dawood and his son Suleman.

According to an anonymous source claiming to have witnessed the Orazov's deaths, the two paid a local tour guide $200,000 to repel them into Mount Pinatabo.

"My friend, he does snorkeling and river canoes, but these men want to see the volcano, so we go to the volcano, and now these men want to go inside the volcano. My friend says no, but they offer so much money, so much money," the man recounted.

"These men, we have nothing but wetsuits for diving, but they go down anyway, and they never come back. We pull out the rope, but it is all burned, and there is nothing," said the man.

Dr. Jonas Schlotterbeck of the Holistic Psychiatric Institute argues that the recent suicidal behavior amongst the ultra-rich can be correlated to the increasingly unequal distribution of wealth throughout the world.

"With the global money supply continuing to concentrate in the hands of fewer people, we're seeing more folks who have more than they know what to do with, leading to these singular experience seeking inclinations," Schlotterbeck said. "Basically, billionaires seeking to justify their largesse by launching themselves into space, throwing themselves into volcanoes, liquifying their organs in human particle accelerators trying to travel through time, things of this nature."

Unfortunately, as Schlotterbeck points out, the vast majority of the wealth left behind the deceased will be inherited by another individual, making them susceptible to the same self-destructive impulses.

"Though some millions of a Dawood or Orazov estate might be bequeathed to some charity, most will be inherited by another Dawood or Orazov, who will likely also end up jetpacking themselves into the side of a mountain or some other bulls***," the doctor said.