Are invisible illegal immigrants the new threat to Britain’s borders? As the government continues to push forward with its controversial anti-immigration policies that would see asylum seekers sent to Rwanda, some hardline anti-immigration campaigners are warning that such measures will be ineffective, as the latest waves of immigrants will prove impossible to detect. Some of these campaigners have already taken to the beaches of Kent in an attempt to find a way of combatting the invading invisible hordes. “To be honest, we thought he was a drunk, flailing his arms about, kicking wildly at thin air, shouting abuse and falling over,” says fifty one year old Harry Achers, who, while visiting the beach near Folkestone with his family, witnessed the efforts of one the leading campaigners against the so called ‘invisible invaders’. “I mean, he didn’t look like a political activist – he was shirtless and covered in tattoos. We did notice that he had a couple of big nets, which he kept throwing toward the shore line, but they kept getting blown back by the wind and entangling him. Later on, we saw him emptying a huge bag of flour on the beach. Again, most of it blew back in his face.” The Sleaze has since identified the brave anti-immigration warrior seen on the beach as Arthur Tranes, leader of pressure group ‘Forever England’. “I think the nets and the flour are pretty much self-explanatory – how else do you catch something you can’t see other than by casting a net? As for the flour, the idea is that we’ll at least be able to see their footprints as they come ashore,” he explains. “Also, I was shirtless as I hoped that the sight of my patriotic tattoos might scare the invisible bastards off. Unfortunately, a group of the rushed me – I tried to fight the unseen horde, but they pushed me over and got away!”

It isn’t just on the beaches that Tranes has fought the ‘invisible invaders’ – he has twice been arrested on suspicion of being drunk and disorderly as a result of his tussles with them in Folkestone itself. Once when he allegedly wrecked the lounge bar of a pub, throwing furniture and glasses at the walls and again after he crashed through the plate glass window of a local chippy, claiming that he had been thrown through it by one of the illegals. “That’s the genius of their using invisibility,” declares the fifty seven year old former butcher, who boasts that his tattoos cover his entire body and include Enoch Powell on one buttock cheek and Nigel Farage on the other. “Not only can they sneak into the country unseen, but if you try and physically confront them, you end up looking like a nutter or a drunkard!” He fears that these illegal immigrants will use their cloak of invisibility to intensify their campaign of crime and depravity in the UK. “We’ve all heard about how they’ve already usurped indigenous British criminals and sex offenders, monopolising criminal activities in some parts of the country,” he muses. “If they can do that while visible, just imagine what unthinkable depravities they’ll be able to commit while invisible. No decent English woman will be safe from these disgusting foreign perverts – they’ll be molested left, right and centre.” Indeed, according to the campaigner, such assaults have already started. “Only the other day, some poor woman in Folkestone had her arse pinched while standing at a bust stop – there were no obvious culprits visible,” claims Tranes. “The three blokes standing behind her all denied responsibility and as they were all fine specimens of British manhood, I think that we can take their word for it. Clearly, it was the work of some invisible foreign pervert!”

While Tranes’ claims might seem bizarre, even fantastical, to many, a surprising number of local residents appear to support his belief in the ‘invisible invaders’ supposedly landing on local beaches and causing mayhem in the local area. “The buggers get everywhere, hiding in vehicles, stealing stuff from shops – nobody ever sees them, but this stuff keeps getting reported, so they must be invisible,” opines forty two year old Edna Humpe, a local hairdresser. “Just the other day one of my customers was telling me that a woman a couple of streets away from her had had some of the buggers in her garden, trampling the plants and breaking the fence. Not that she saw any of it herself, of course, she just heard about it – there wasn’t anything in the local papers either and a policeman I asked about it said there hadn’t been any reports of it. Which just goes to show that there’s an official cover up going on as the authorities are worried that everyone will panic if they realise these invisible illegal immigrants are real!”

Tranes contends that his group’s claims are also being backed up by the government, pointing to Home Secretary Suella Braverman’s recent warnings that ‘millions’ of illegal immigrants could be heading for the UK, despite experts highlighting the fact that the UK currently has fewer illegal immigrants entering it than other European countries. “Their implication was that there simply weren’t that many illegal immigrants in existence,” he says. “But obviously, they were only counting the ones they could see. Like us, Suella knows all about these invisible buggers targeting the UK!” When challenged as to how the immigrants are achieving their invisibility, Tranes is vague, muttering about ‘heathen voodoo rites’ being carried out in refugee camps in France, implying that human sacrifices might be involved. “The sooner we send the RAF to bomb those evil hell holes out of existence, the sooner we’ll stop the invisible invaders,” he declares. “Believe me, the French will thank us for it if it stops all those baby sacrifices they’re trying to cover up!”

Until the government enacts this apocalyptic solution, Tranes and the rest of ‘Forever England’ are constantly trying to find new means by which to detect and foil the ‘invisible invaders’. “We thought that we might stand a chance of at least spotting their outlines in the rain,” he says. “So we spent a week of torrential rain waiting for them on the beach – but they’ve obviously gotten wise to that and don’t come ashore on rainy days.” The group has also been experimenting with special filters attached to binoculars in the hope that these might make the immigrants and their invisible boats visible before they reach the shore. This plan suffered a set back when, while testing the filters on his high powered field glasses, a member was arrested on suspicion of being a peeping tom. “The police reckoned that he’d been looking through the bedroom window of some bird while she was undressing – which is ridiculous as those houses are in the opposite direction to the beach. Anyway, Terry swears that while he might have inadvertently looked that way while he was trying to focus his glasses, he didn’t see a thing,” asserts Tranes, who believes this is just another case of harassment by the authorities. “Honestly, it is amazing the lengths they’ll go to in order to obstruct honest citizens from protecting their own country!”