Banking Experts Now Urge Panic Ahead of Looming Cannibal Apocalypse

Two weeks after the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank sparked fresh concern over the stability of the global banking system, financial experts are now advising the public that the time has indeed come to panic.

A radical departure from previous sentiment, the abrupt shift is a culmination of rapidly shifting dynamics in the sector, JP Morgan analyst Nathan Buford says.

"Firstly, the fiduciary suicide rate, a metric carefully watched by experts, has spiked in the past 48 hours," Buford reported. "Typically a steady 2-3% - normalized against the national average of 0.1% by the fact that its members comprise a group that can wake up any given morning to realize that they are bankers – jumped to 12.5% Monday as Wall Street types began throwing themselves out their windows with alarming alacrity."

Buford went on before shooting himself: "Also, the realization that money is inherently worthless - that it is mere scraps of paper and numbers on a screen - has begun to substantially erode the support for the collective delusion that underpins the framework upon which civilization is built, thereby signaling an end the horrors of which will defy the imagination of any who deigns to predict them."

Almost unanimously, financial analysts are now recommending that people follow them into the grave before "shit really starts going sideways".

"Don't even bother looting," Bloomberg's Windom Earl advised. "It will only prolong the inevitable: a cannibal apocalypse where neighbor is forced to eat neighbor, until, running out of strangers to murder for food, the unlucky survivors will resort to butchering their loved ones before ultimately dying their own agonizing deaths by starvation anyway - unless they kill themselves first, that is, which they should have just done in the first place."