NextDoor Open Letter to Man Masturbating in Park Prompts Contrite Response

SAN DIEGO, CA - Scott "Fuzzy" Dunlop, a homeless man who has been known on occasion to masturbate out of doors, was "humbled and more than a little embarrassed" to recognize a description of himself performing the act in Golden Hill Park in a post on NextDoor today.

"Perusing my social media feeds this evening whilst moving my bowels in the street, I noticed on NextDoor an open letter to a man observed pleasuring himself in the park, and I realized that it was myself. Well, I could not have been more mortified," said Dunlop.

Dunlop agreed that the woman who created the post, "Did not need to see that."

"Honestly, I usually take care of that business inside my tent, but sometimes it's hard to resist when the urge strikes. Also, the sunshine on my balls feels nice," Dunlop remarked.

Dunlop went on to dispute the opinion shared by some on the app that a person like him would never read the letter the offended woman wrote, and that it was therefore a complete, stupid waste of time.

"People just assume that 'Guy Who Stole My Package' or 'Woman Screaming on Street Corner' or 'Man Masturbating in Park' aren't on social media, but that's not true. I might only have an iPhone 8 running on Mint Mobile, but it works just fine," he said.