Official sources have denied that the government had to abandon a ‘honey trap’ scheme -‘Operation Spanker’s Bonus’ – set up by the police and the Security Service to try and entrap foreign agents and domestic security threats, and suppress its results as the only people it had caught had been Tory MPs. “I’m afraid that we couldn’t possibly comment on reports that a mansion had been rented in West London and filled with MI5 agents disguised as masseuses and high class dominatrix offering all manner of depravities to wealthy businessmen, diplomats, military officers and the like,” a Home Office spokesperson told a press conference. “Nor could we comment on reports that all activities in the various rooms fitted out as torture chambers, spanking parlours and schoolrooms, were recorded in sound and vision.” According to press reports, however, far from succeeding in capturing Russian ‘diplomats’ in compromising positions, foreign potentates dressed as French maids being spanked with feather dusters or even British businessmen or civil servants passing on secrets to their ‘Russian’ dominatrices during pillow talk, the overwhelming majority of those caught ‘with their pants down’ turned out to be serving Conservative MPs or wealthy donors to the Tory party.

“Reports of a senior member of the 1922 Committee being photographed naked apart from a dog collar and leash, being ‘walked’ by a black leather clad woman, cocking his leg and urinating on a bed post are, I’m sure, somewhat exaggerated, if not fabricated,” the Home Office spokesperson told the press conference, in response to a question from the Boston Commercial Travellers’ Post . “And no, I cannot confirm that a junior minister was filmed engaging in some kind of fantasy role play involving him being dressed in rags and face blacked, pretending to be a refugee, sitting in a rubber dinghy having water thrown over him, before being forcibly dragged out and brutally beaten and sexually abused by a gang of girls dressed in Border Force uniforms.” The spokesperson was also forced to deny allegations that a well known Tory back bencher had had to be rushed to hospital after suffering a suspected heart attack during a session in the house. “Such claims are mere speculation,” the spokesperson informed the increasingly raucous press conference. “While I can confirm that a Conservative MP has recently sought medical attention, it was simply a regular health check up and obviously, for reasons of patient confidentiality, they cannot be named.” The MP, nonetheless, has been named by multiple sources as notorious rotund Brexiteer Mark Porker, with the same sources claiming that paramedics found him naked, strapped into an industrial strength spanking machine. Despite the spokes person’s denials, Porker – a favourite ‘rent-a quote’ in right wing newspapers and other media – has been notably absent from public life since the reports surfaced.

In spite of official denials, many commentators are unsurprised by the fact that the only victims of ‘Operation Spanker’s Bonus’ have been Tory MPs and donors. “These days the Tory party is simply brimming over with sex pests and perverts,” opines Julian Hootlier, Chief Parliamentary Sketch Writer for the . “Hardly a week seems to by without one of them being convicted for sex crimes or forced to resign for watching porn on their phones in the Commons or whacking off over it in their offices. Let’s not forget that Boris Johnson was finally forced to resign because he’d been employing a bloke who had allegedly been groping young men’s arses at the Carlton Club. So it is no surprise that this ‘honey trap’ set up in a fake house of ill repute should mainly attract these bastards.” The journalist points out that it isn’t just sex scandals that have beset the Tory party in recent times. “There have been persistent rumours about drugs being snorted in the Houses of Parliament,” he says. “Surely no one can forget that incident when Boris Johnson was doing one of his publicity stunts, dressing up like a policeman and participating in a police drugs raid, when one of the drug sniffing dogs jumped on him and tried to get at his pockets? It took four coppers to drag the snarling beast away from him!” At the time, a government spokesperson had denied that the animal had detected any illegal substances on the then Prime Minister and claimed that the dog itself had been high after sniffing too many drugs during its police career. They also denied claims that the dog had, at the then PM’s behest, subsequently been inhumanely destroyed by being beaten to death with a sack full of bricks, stating instead that the animal was actually undergoing detox at a rehab kennel.

Despite such denials, the drugs rumours persist, with Downing Street recently having to deny that newly appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer Kwasi Kwarteng’s fits of maniacal laughter during Queen Elizabeth II’s funeral was the result of him having snorted a couple of lines in the Treasury toilets before arriving at Westminster Abbey. “It is quite ridiculous to suggest that a senior member of the government would behave so disrespectfully at such a solemn time,” a statement claimed. “Quite obviously, his apparent mirth was simply the result of him anticipating the far-reaching effects of his first economic statement, which he had just finished drafting and the unexpected benefits it would bring to certain sectors of Britain’s population.” The Chancellor, of course, might well still be ecstatic over the benefits his subsequent tax cuts have brought to former City colleagues who have been making millions by shorting the pound.

The government, nonetheless, continues to deny that the latest ‘honey trap’ scandal ever took place. “Even if this ‘Operation Spanker’s Bonus’ existed, which obviously it didn’t, anything that happened in that house, the existence of which cannot be confirmed, would be illegal and constitute entrapment. If it had happened, which obviously it didn’t,” the Home Office spokesperson concluded at the recent press conference. “So clearly there can’t be any report on the matter to suppress and no charges of any kind could be brought against anyone who was filmed engaging in any sort of activities at this non-existent house. So there is no cover up as there is nothing to cover up. Nobody has to resign in disgrace, because nothing at all happened. Ever.” As a strange coda to the whole affair, it has been reported that some of the female MI5 operatives who allegedly posed as sex workers in the ‘Spanker’s Bonus’ house have subsequently decided to continue in this line of business. “Apparently, they were impressed by the rates of pay and tips they could get – far above the civil service rates they get for counter-intelligence work,” says Julian Hootlier. “With all this talk of cutting public expenditures one can hardly blame them for seeking opportunities in the private sector. There are rumours that some of them are planning to keep their hand in with the intelligence community by selling on any good secrets they get from their clients to their former employer.”