Welcome to our semi-regular feature – Ask the Rev – where leading paranormal expert and ordained priest (in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist) Reverend Leonard Fanny addresses our readers’ supernatural personal problems. This time the Rev’s expertise is required to deal with the case of a ‘Bad Saviour’.

Dear Reverend,

For many years now I have been the Mother Superior of a Catholic convent in Eastern England, looking after the spiritual welfare of my charges. For most of this time the convent walls have provided a peaceful haven from the evils and wickedness of the world. Until last month, that is, when the first of a series of inexplicable, near unbelievable, events began to unfold. One of our novice nuns – a troubled girl from an unstable family background – was seen running naked and in distress from the chapel, where she had been in solitary prayer. Upon questioning her, the distressed girl claimed that, as she knelt in prayer, the figure of the crucified Jesus has climbed down from his cross, slipped off his loincloth, ripped off her habit, and engaged in wild sexual relations with her on the chapel floor. She further claimed that his eyes had burned like fire during the ordeal and that as he reached a climax, there was a huge clap of thunder, a flash of lightning and that a powerful gust of wind had blown through the chapel! Obviously, my first reaction was that the girl had been engaged in some kind of blasphemous sexual fantasy, possibly whilst committing the sin of masturbation in front of the altar. But the fact was that there had been a clap of thunder, from a clear sky, shortly before she was seen fleeing the chapel and that lightning bolt had been seen to strike the chapel roof – both events had multiple witnesses. Yet, upon examination, we could find no evidence that the figure of Christ had ever moved – he was still firmly on his cross and still carved from solid wood.

While it was easy to dismiss the girl’s experience as a waking dream, the thunder and lightning merely being coincidence, which she subsequently worked into her fantasy, within days there had been another incident. This time the person involved Sister Agatha, a nun of far more mature years, not prone to fantasies, sexual or otherwise. She ran screaming, naked from the waist down, from the vestry, claiming that the figure of Christ had again descended from his cross and cornered her there, seducing her and performing oral sex on her. Again, a clap of thunder, heard by everyone in the convent, coincided with the event. There was even physical evidence of Sister Agatha’s violation – which she claimed she was powerless to prevent, feeling as if she were enveloped in the love of the Saviour at the time – in the form of scratches on her inner thighs caused, apparently, by the living effigy’s failure to remove his crown of thorns. This latter detail aroused my suspicions as felt sure that Our Lord Jesus Christ, even if he were a sexual predator preying on innocent nuns, would be gentleman enough to remove his hat before engaging in sexual activity. These suspicions were confirmed by the next incident. Despite locking ourselves in our rooms, the figure of Christ struck again, with the entire convent being woken by the screams of ecstasy coming from Sister Evangeline’s room, followed by a huge thunderclap. According to her, the locked door had proven no barrier to the effigy, which had opened it as if it were unlocked and proceeded to make love to her – she claimed that as she reached orgasm, she could hear the angels sing and experienced divine visions as the ‘love of Christ’, as she put it, coursed through her.

A witness, however, reported things somewhat differently. Sister Magdalene was first on the scene and actually saw Sister Evangeline’s assailant ‘disengaging’ from her, describing him as being red hued, sporting horns on his head and a, quite literally, flaming erection. As he turned to look at Sister Magdalene, he transformed, before her eyes, back into Our Saviour, smiled beatifically, before brushing past her and heading for the chapel. It now seemed obvious that our convent had been invaded by some devilish entity using the image of Christ to deceive our innocent sisters into allowing him to carnally defile them. I have tried reporting these devilish doings to the Bishop, but he clearly doesn’t believe me: instead of sending an exorcist, he has suggest a regime of cold showers. For the time being, we are all sleeping with crucifixes between our thighs and nobody is ever left alone – although I fear this won’t stop the possessed effigy, but rather encourage him to try and engage in a ‘gang bang’. Perhaps you Reverend Fanny, with your vast experience of the weird and paranormal, can suggest some course of action?

Mother Theresa of Colchester

The Rev Replies: Well, well, this case has all the traits of a classic demonic possession – blasphemous use of religious accoutrements, sexual frenzy on the part of cloistered nuns, acoustic phenomena – except that, rather than the nuns themselves being possessed, it appears to be effigy of Christ itself. That said, I don’t think that we can fully rule out the possibility of mass hallucination – let’s not forget the ‘Devils of Loudon’, after all. Indeed, it is entirely possible that the figure of Christ is being animated, not by the forces of Satan, but rather by the pent up sexual energies of a group of women denied any other outlet for their urges and confined within the walls of a convent. I’m afraid that you Catholics have only yourselves to blame if this is the case, with your fetishisation of the figure of a near naked man writhing in bondage on a cross – especially when this effigy is the only regular male contact for your nuns. I mean, you are just asking for trouble, aren’t you? (It would be far healthier to follow our lead in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist, of depicting Our Saviour with a smile and completely naked, leaning casually against the cross). If this is the case then the solution, rather than cold showers, might be a consignment of good lesbian jazz mags with which you can all relieve your sexual tension.

If, however, this is an actual demonic possession, then more drastic measures will be needed. The only similar case that springs immediately to mind occurred in 1974 in Germany, where a young woman claimed that a statue of Christ in her local Catholic church had come to life, dropping his loin cloth, before masturbating furiously and ejaculating into her mouth. Consequently, she started exhibiting all the characteristics of demonic possession – attempting to seduce priests, spitting, swearing, rotating her head and so forth. A local priest tried an exorcism, but found all of his efforts fruitless, with the possessed girl simply laughing at him and spouting ever more offensive blasphemies, taunting him about the sexual abuse of children by Catholic priests, for instance. In desperation, he decided that, as the spirit within her seemed sexually obsessed, the only solution was to literally shag it out of her. So, he sprinkled Holy water on his member and gave her a good seeing to, incanting prayers all the while – reasoning that the Lord would forgive him for sacrificing his vow of celibacy as it was being done to save a soul. She struggled and screamed, but couldn’t resist him – just as he reached the vinegar stroke, the poor old bugger expired. His sacrifice wasn’t in vain, though, as the possessed girl. As she orgasmed, spewed up the Devil’s Jism she had swallowed and returned to normal.

Clearly, this exact approach wouldn’t be entirely appropriate in your case, but perhaps if your nun’s were to be, well, ‘serviced’ by someone in God’s good grace, this might ‘proof’ them against the possessed effigy’s attempts to defile them. Perhaps his devilish member can’t go anywhere previously ‘blessed’ by a Holy instrument so to speak. Not that I’m offering my services, obviously! Quite apart from the denominational issues, I’m afraid that these days I’m certainly not up to that sort of exertion, but I can recommend someone if you are interested.

The Rev will be back soon to give more advice on your paranormal problems. So, if your sex life is a hump in the night or you find yourself nocturnally plagued by the attentions of a spectral groper, drop us a line.

(The Rev is also available for weddings, christenings and exorcisms, the latter only on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons).