Your Son's Murder and Consumption is All Part of God's Plan
By: Pastor Joe Elam

Firstly Mrs. Keenum, let me express my deepest condolences for the loss of your son. It's always difficult when someone so young and so vibrant, someone with their whole life still ahead of them, is called back to the Lord's heavenly flock so early.

And yes, the way he was called. So gruesome. So heinous. That business with the belt sander, and the… tortilla press. Horrible. It's almost enough for a person to start questioning their faith.

Almost.

You see, Mrs. Keenum, as incomprehensible as it might seem to us mere mortals, your son's prolonged, torturous murder and consumption at the hands of the Cleveland Cannibal was all part of God's plan.

Yes, even the part with the jig saw. And the, uh, skull, er… hanky-panky. The Lord works in mysterious ways, Mrs. Keenum. It's not for us to understand why an honest, hard-working, God-fearing father of three should be turned into human meatloaf and eaten with a side of sweet potato hash.

Ok, see? Now you've gone and done it. You've blasphemed. God lets a psychopath disembowel one of your children and wear his lower intestines as a cravat, and you're ready to forsake Him. That's sad. Especially because maybe His plan for taking Michael was to test you, and the reward for your unwavering faith would be that he'd let you win the lottery. You ever think of that? Yeah, well, too late now.