WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

As Ukrainians continue to flee their country westward into Poland and Southward into Romania, millions more around the world have more astutely begun to try to escape downward into the Earth, digging with whatever implements they have in a desperate but futile bid to escape the imminent nuclear destruction of the planet.

Estimating the probability of a thermonuclear apocalypse to occur in the next 7 days to be 100%, Doomsday Clock Manager Riley Frauning has joined the chorus of other experts in calling on Earth's citizens to prepare for certain death.

"With tensions over Putin's ill-considered invasion of Ukraine quickly escalating, a lot of folks are growing concerned about the prospect of nuclear Armageddon, and for good reason, because Putin is going to do it for sure. 100%," Frauning remarked. "We're all going to die."

Asked what, if anything, people might do in these final days or even hours, Frauning gave an unequivocal response.

"First, I would panic," he said. "Freak the fuck out. Scream, cry, go out back and scrape at the dirt with your hands until your fingers bleed. That's what I did."

"Once you're done with that, however, I'd actually suggest trying something new. Something you would never have done unless you knew the end was near. Like crack, or murder."

"Again, that's what I did," Frauning added.