Taliban Issues Edict Banning Men from Wearing Clothes

Men appearing anywhere in public must be completely nude, The Taliban ordered today.

Included in a lengthy document issued by the ruling authority in Afghanistan, the edict also required women to be covered from head-to-toe at all times while banning men from wearing clothes at all.

"All men shall remain in their natural state, nude and unshaven, unless granted exemption from a government official who prefers hairless men, or 'twinks'," the document ordered.

"Meanwhile, women, whose natural form is immensely displeasing, shall at all times remain completely clothed upon punishment of death," the edict added.

Claiming that their policy is in the interest of public health, the Taliban argued that women's bodies are disgusting enough to make a man vomit.

"If we were to allow women to show so much as a bare ankle or an exposed cheek, the roads would flow with ashak. They are so gross. On the other hand, the body of a man, the musculature of his torso, the firmness of his buttocks, this is beauty. The sight of a fit young man makes one's koloochech rise," a Taliban spokesman explained.

Other recent decrees made by the Taliban include banning women from universities and mandating an hour of vigorous exercise per day for all men between 8 and 45 years of age.

"Healthiness is near to godliness. It is the will of Allah that a man's thighs should be taught and his abs all hard and ripply," the same spokesman remarked. "Or else he should lose his head."