Furious Welsh Nationalists are demanding the return of a national monument from England, following claims by archaeologists that Stonehenge was originally built in Wales, before being moved to Salisbury Plain in ancient times. “Look you, we’d always known that the stones they built it from came from Wales, but we thought that the English must have bought them from some Neolithic builders’ merchant to build their monument, but now it turns out they stole the whole bloody thing,” declares Dai Lllewelyn-Gogogoch, writing in the Swansea Nationalist Review and Sheep Sellers’ Guide. “The bastards just took it, lock, stock and barrel, from a field outside Pontypridd and took it to England, where they brazenly re-erected it for everyone to see! Like they were taunting us, or something!” He is now lobbying the Welsh Assembly to demand the immediate return of the stones to their rightful home. “It is another Elgin Marbles,” he asserts. “Just bloody typical of the Imperialist bastard English – they have whole bloody museums full of stuff they’ve looted from other peoples’ countries!” According to Llewelyn-Gogoch the theft of Stonehenge is an act of ‘cultural misappropriation’, just one of many that England, he claims, has perpetrated against Wales. “Anything goo that we’ve ever produced here, they’ve taken from us,” he complains. “Just look at the way they lured away from the valleys to London the likes of Tom Jones and Harry Secombe! It’s just jealousy – when have they ever produced any cultural icons of their own, eh? Ell, it has got to stop – we have to draw a line at Stonehenge.

Llewelyn-Gogogoch’s claims are based upon archaeological research that shows some of the bluestones found at the site of a lost stone circle in Wales are identical to those at Stonehenge and that one of the Wiltshire stones has a cross-section matching one of the holes at the Welsh site.
Not surprisingly, the Nationalist’s claims have been dismissed by many English historians, who reject any Welsh claim upon the monument. “It’s just ridiculous – there’s no actual evidence that the stones in Wiltshire ever stood in Wales,” says Dr David Starkers, in a riposte published in the Daily Excess. “It might simply be that the stones in both circles came from the same quarry, or that both sites used the same building contractors. Even if they did originate there, they were probably taken down by their original Neolithic builders and taken with them when they migrated to England – and who could blame them for wanting to get away from a shit-hole like Wales?” An outraged Llewelyn-Gogogoch has responded to Starkers’ article by claiming that the Welsh do, in fact, have hard evidence of the fact that Stonehenge originally stood in Wales. “Listen boyo, we’ve got the bloody records of the planning permission for its erection – fully authenticated and written in runes on stone tablets! Can you produce anything similar for Salisbury Plain, eh?” he shouted at the historian during a heated TV debate. “Of course not – because it doesn’t even have planning permission, does it! Plus, it is obviously been jerry built on the cheap by cowboy builders – just look at the way some of the stones have fallen over! It wasn’t like that when it was in Wales – we had it put up by proper Welsh craftsmen!”

Other English historians have taken a different approach to deflecting Welsh claims upon Stonehenge, most notably Professor Simon Smutt, who doesn’t dispute the fact that the stone circle originally stood in Wales, but contends that its ownership was always English. “The reality is that Stonehenge as we know it, was originally built in Wales by King Arthur, as a holiday home,” the author of A Pornographic History of Britain opines. “But it was burned down by militant Welsh Nationalists, leaving only the stone framework, which Arthur had transported to England and rebuilt on Salisbury Plain.” It was, Smutt claims, King Arthur’s intent to rebuild his erstwhile holiday home completely, but his final battle against Mordred – who had opposed Arthur’s planning application on the grounds that the rebuilt holiday home would constitute an eyesore – cut short his plans, leaving only the incomplete stone framework standing. Smutt’s theories have left Llewelyn-Gogogoch aghast. “Look you, not only was King Arthur a completely mythical figure, but he was bloody Welsh as well,” he exclaims. “The whole Arthurian cycle is Welsh – it is yet another bit of our culture that you English bastards have appropriated!”

These latest revelations have left defenders of England’s claims upon Stonehenge perplexed. “First of all its Stonehenge, now it is King Arthur,” laments journalist Eddie Trint, who has been leading the Daily Excess’ campaign to keep the stones in England. “The Welsh just won’t let us have anything, will they?” Indeed, Trint alleges that the Welsh have long coveted Stonehenge, having plotted to steal it for many years previously. “Even before these supposed Archaeological findings were made public, they had designs on it,” he says. “It all stems from their innate sense of inferiority on account of the fact that they are merely a Principality, whereas both England and Scotland are Kingdoms – that’s why they ant our heritage: try and boost their own self-esteem! After all, what have they got of their own? An incomprehensible language and sodding Eisteddfod.” Trint points to the 1970s, when Stonehenge became the focus of many counter culture movements as the origin of Welsh attempts to steal the monument. “I mean, all those bloody Druids who used to turn up there every Summer Solstice – Welsh,” he declares. “They were hoping that all their mystical mumbo-jumbo could somehow dematerialise the stones and rematerialise them in Wales. Obviously, it didn’t work because all their magical shit was just bollocks.”

He also points to the notorious ‘Stonehenge Free Festival’ that descended on Stonehenge every Summer solstice between 1974 and 1984 as another attempt to spirit way the stones. “All those bloody hairy hippies and assorted traveling weirdos who used to turn up to get off their faces and hallucinate that Hawkwind were playing, they were just a cover,” the journalist claims. “Remember how they all used to turn up in their sodding buses and the like? Well, the plan was to take down the stones and spirit them away in those buses, like in The Italian Job. I just thank God that the police inadvertently foiled them after they fenced off the stones because they were fed up with the boozed up buggers pissing on them.” The ‘Free Festival’ was eventually suppressed by the police in 1985, when, following a tip off that militant Welsh Nationalist New Age Travellers were planning to turn up with enough buses to all the stones in one go, they intercepted the and wrecked the Traveller convoy in the so called ‘Battle of the Bean Field’. Llewelyn-Gogogoch has promised that, were Stonehenge to be returned to Wales, the ‘Free Festival’ would be resurrected, with drugs for all and massed male voice choirs to entertain the crowds.