The British public are being warned of the existence of a new, more virulent strain of Boris ‘Bozo’ Johnson. “The public really do need to be careful – this isn’t the regular lazy fat slob of a Prime Minister that we’re used to,” Government Scientific Adviser Dr Brent Bagnell has told the press. “This one is far more energetic, able to string together words into near coherent sentences and looks almost human.” Most disturbingly, this new ‘Bozo’ looks quite presentable, thereby posing a greater threat to women. “The present, dishevelled and mumbling Johnson has succeeded in achieving a remarkable reproduction rate – we’re still not clear as to exactly how many illegitimate children it has sired in London alone – so just imagine how many women this smoother version could impregnate” says Bagnell. “We’ve already had reports from all over London of this new variant lurking on street corners, brazenly twirling its dick at any passing woman!” Indeed, rumours are rife that the latest UK-wide lockdown is actually designed to protect Britain’s women from the new Boris Johnson variant rather than to shield the general population from coronavirus. “Whilst I couldn’t possibly comment on such speculation, I must emphasise that it is imperative that women stay at home, with their doors firmly locked,” the scientist observes. “If women do not exercise extreme caution with regard to the new variant, then before we know it we’re going to be up to our knees in infant versions of the vicious bastard!”
The origins of this new Boris Johnson variant are still not clear, with most scientists inclining to the view that it is some kind of spontaneous mutation. “This sort of thing is quite common in nature, among the spineless lower life forms,” opines Professor Linford Hertzcrock, Chair of Weird Science at Lewisham Institute of Laundry Studies. “When they find themselves becoming less successful in their environment, unable to replicate themselves as successfully as before, because people have rumbled them as useless tossers, then mutations, exhibiting new characteristics appear, with the more successful ones proliferating.” Hertzcrock contends that, with Johnson floundering politically in the face of the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, his popularity faltering, he spontaneously mutated, the new variant splitting apart from the original through a process of mitosis. Other scientists, however, have cast doubt upon the idea of a spontaneous mutation, arguing instead that it might have been induced by the Prime Minister’s Covid infection last year. “We can’t rule out the possibility that the virus’ genetic code somehow altered Johnson’s own genetic code, not just in some infected cells, but throughout his whole body, causing this mutation,” muses Emery Abstorme, Chief Geneticist at Southall Pharmacy. “Clearly, it bided its time until the original Johnson was at its lowest ebb before emerging.”
Reports of new mutated variants of other cabinet ministers who have suffered Covid infections has given some credence to Abstorme’s theory. “There have been unconfirmed sightings of a Michael Gove variant which is even oilier and oleaginous than the original,” he reports. “There are claims that this version is so slimy that it can even ooze under doors, making it a potentially major threat to public health.” Other commentators have claimed that there might be far more sinister undertones to the recent appearance of more virulent variants of Johnson. “There’s a real danger that someone in government might try to take advantage of this new, slicker Johnson variant, using it to replace the current, clapped out version,” speculates Labour back bencher Hobart Farblestein. “Just imagine the threat to the country of an efficient version of Johnson, rather than the idle slob we have now. The new variant’s cunning, coupled with his natural charisma, might be able to sustain this corrupt government in power for years!”
Farblestein even suspects that the new Johnson mutation could well be the result of deliberate experimentation by Tory elites, worried by the original’s faltering performance. “There’s no doubt that, behind the scenes, many of them are dismayed by his performance during the pandemic, with death rates soaring and public confidence dissipating amidst Johnson’s indecisiveness and dithering,” he explains. “Consequently, I strongly suspect that they might have been deliberately trying to mutate him through the use of radiation.” While the Labour MP doubts that the Prime Minister would have been exposed to radiation himself, he strongly believes that tissue samples taken from him during his Covid induced hospital stay might have been. “They doubtless blasted those cells with all manner of radiation,” he claims. “Eventually growing this mutant variant in a Petri dish.”
Despite the warnings issued by the government’s Scientific Advisers, the very existence of the new variant has been questioned by Boris Johnson deniers. “The emergence of this so called new variant seems to be timed very conveniently for the authorities,” says Charles Dicklough, creator of the UK’s leading Boris Johnson denying Facebook group. “Not only does it divert attention from the debacle of their Brexit trade agreement, but it also comes at time when there was increasing pressure to ease lockdown restrictions. But now, miraculously, this new variant appears to justify yet more government repression. It is quite obvious that it doesn’t really exist!” The Boris Johnson deniers, of course, also dispute the existence of the original, arguing that the idea of such a shambling, incoherent disaster being a successful womaniser, impregnating numerous apparently intelligent women, let alone winning an election and becoming Prime Minister is completely ludicrous. “It is quite clear that ‘Boris Johnson’ is a media construct concocted as a front man by the Tory party, a convenient fall guy for the unpopular policies they are determined to pursue,” says Dicklough. “I mean, just look at those Coronavirus briefings they hold, it is quite obvious that the ‘Boris Johnson’ that attends them is nothing more than a shaved gorilla with a blonde wig – just look at the way he grunts his way through the questions, forever scratching himself! Damn it, I have it on good authority that just off-camera they have someone waving a bunch of bananas at him as an incentive to perform!”
