“Watching Rudy Giuliani at another of his lunatic press conferences, with what appeared to be oil leaking down the side of his face, it suddenly became clear to me – he’s a cyborg lawyer sent back in time by a future President Trump to preserve his timeline and ensure that he remains president by over-turning Biden’s election victory,” declares journalist Art Wheel of the Portland Autonomous Free Zone Advertiser. “It is the only way to make sense of this situation: that we are currently faced by two competing, mutually exclusive, timelines. In one, Trump loses in 2020, Biden becomes president and augurs in a new era of peace and tranquillity – an era which sees Trump convicted on multiple fraud and rape charges, spending the rest of his life in poky, the bitch to a convicted serial killer. The other timeline sees Trump stay in office, by proving electoral fraud, declare himself dictator for life in order to ‘protect’ democracy and harness the US’s technological might to extend his life, turn Giuliani into a cyborg and create time travel.” Wheel believes that there must be considerable differences between to the two timelines historically, thereby explaining the confusion during the recent New York press conference, during which Trump’s legal team seemed to become confused and started claiming that Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro were behind the conspiracy to cheat Trump of the election.

“While these two leftist leaders might have both been dead for many years in our timeline, in the one RoboRudy had come back from, they are clearly very much alive,” he speculates. “Doubtless, they form a new communist axis with China and the EU to oppose the freedom loving alliance of Trump’s America, Bolsanaro’s pan-South American Empire and Free England under Nigel Farage.” The journalist believes that the differences between the two timelines would also explain the press conference’s claims about ‘far left’ manufactured voting machines deliberately changing Trump votes to Biden ballots. “Obviously, in Rudy’s timeline, the Democrats responded to the Trump dictatorship by manufacturing their own robots – aided by those commies in Venezuela, Cuba and China,” says Wheel. “Opposing Trump and triggering a robo-revolt.” Wheel contends that this all makes far more sense than the alternative: that Joe Biden had summoned Chavez and Fidel in a seance and got them to possess voting machines with their spirits in order to change votes and steal the election.

“I mean, that would simply mean that Rudy is nuts and dyes his hair. Which, obviously, is ridiculous,” he opines. “No, I’d rather believe that he is a cyborg from an alternative future where Trump really did somehow win, but knows that this timeline can only exist if the alternative –our timeline – is erased.” Indeed, top science fiction writer Jack C Rabbett has suggested that the only reason that an oil-leaking Rudy Giuliani is here is because they’ve already tried sending other cyborgs back in time to stop Chavez and Fidel from dying, but have failed, leaving this as their last chance to get their timeline back on course. “We write about this sort of thing in science fiction stories all the time – one small change in the timeline can have major repercussions,” he explains. “It’s like the ‘Butterfly Effect’ – you know, if a butterfly farts in Outer Mongolia it produces ripples in the air which eventually result in a tornado in Llandudno. In this case, without Fidel and Chavez, the election fraud claims just won’t stand up – so future Trump has to create a classic time paradox by trying to save them!”

Rabbett suspects that future Trump might not be the only player involved in the game of time paradoxes. “Look, for all we know, future Biden might also have access to time travel and sent his own cyborgs back in time to assassinate Chavez and Fidel in order to ensure that his timeline came into being,” he claims. “Damn it, we could be sitting at the centre of a time war – let’s face it, it is the only way to make sense of what is unfolding before us right now!” Rabbett argues that in the alternate timeline, Trump didn’t win the election by ‘proving’ electoral fraud, but rather by actually winning more votes than Biden. “I think we all know that if it hadn’t been for the Covid pandemic, then Trump would have won easily,” he says. “That’s the key difference between the two timelines – there was no pandemic in future Trump’s.” Rabbett contends that future Biden had his Chinese allies create the virus, then brought it back in time in order to create the pandemic which undermined Trump’s popularity. “In fact, he probably created his own paradox, in that the virus he released in 2019 was subsequently used by future Chinese scientists to ‘create’ the novel Coronavirus for him to take back,” he says. “It never actually existed outside of this time loop!”

Art Wheel has objected to Rabbett’s version of his theory, suggesting that the author has been reading too many of his own bad – not to mention highly derivative – science fiction novels. “He’s spent the last twenty years writing fervid fiction about militaristic and libertarian right wing ‘utopias’,” he says. “So it should come as no surprise that he is trying to twist my theory in order to make future Joe Biden the villain of the piece – he’s just sore because he thought that he was on the cusp of finally having his crappy stories become reality, before it was all snatched away by those pesky voters backing Biden!” The journalist also points out that, if Rabbett’s version is correct, then our existing timeline is the false one and future dictator Trump’s the ‘real’ one. “I don’t know about anyone else, but I find such a suggestion deeply disturbing,” he says. “Frankly, I’m much more comfortable believing that I live in a reality where decency and liberal values win out.” One question which hasn’t, so far, been addressed by either version of the theory is that if the Rudy Giuliani currently seen arguing Trump’s legal case is a cyborg from an alternate future – what has happened to the real Giuliani from our timeline? “Perhaps he never really existed in our timeline,” muses Wheel. “Maybe he was really James Woods all along, like in that crappy TV movie.”