President Pledges to Legalize Meth if Re-Elected

In an apparent bid to galvanize his base, President Trump promised on Friday that he would legalize meth if he should be re-elected November 3rd.

Calling such a repeal of federal laws that prohibit the sale and possession of methamphetamines "long overdue", Trump heralded the drug's users as "real Americans".

"These people, people who just want to enjoy a little meth after a long day and night, let's face it, these are true Americans," Trump remarked.

"These are real, hard-working Americans. I've heard someone on crystal meth might spend over six hours washing a dish. I think that's terrific," Trump continued.

"And it's shameful how the Democrats put them down. That they have bad teeth and bad skin. That they're constantly scratching themselves. Obviously Obamacare is a failure. It's obviously failing these people."

Trump went on to argue that the war on meth is another example of the left-wing's war on personal freedom.

"First they come for your meth, then they come for your guns. Well, I say guns and meth for all," he proclaimed.