Would Somebody Please Shut the Fun Loving Screen Door?!
By: Mike Pence

Oh, for Pete's sake, would somebody please shut the fun loving screen door? I'm trying to have a debate here!

Golly gee! What is it with people?! Its the same at my house! Flies everywhere because no one can keep the jaywalking screen door closed! And its not that hard! You walk out the door and you shut it behind you! How complicated is that?! It takes two seconds!

I'm sorry to get off topic, but God Bless America, its a bit difficult to keep your train of thought when you've got a GD fly making biscuits in your hair. I mean, here I am on national television trying to defend a president's reluctance to denounce white supremacist groups, and I've got a GD fly using my scalp as an exercise mat. Now, I realize that its not summer anymore, but its still very warm, and warm weather means flies!

Good Gertie!

Seriously, who else would like to come up here and try to reconcile Donald Trump's massive personal debt and nebulous relationship with Russia while a gall-darn fly does jumping jacks on their skull? Anybody? Nobody? That's what I thought.

Jiminy crickets, is that fish-flopping screen door still open?

Good grief. Honestly though, I don't get it. Do the dozens of flies buzzing around not bother anybody else? Am I the only one who's annoyed by the fact that he can't enjoy a tuna fucking fish sandwich without constantly having to wave my hand over it? That some insect that just got through crapping larvae onto a pile of cat shit is now wiping its ass on my Fritos? WTF?

Now, I swear to Christ, if I go outside and see that garbage can lid not securely fastened, I'm going to really lose my shit.