Odd, Heavily-Armed Boy Outside Your House There for Your Protection

Though his services came unsolicited, and despite the whole idea seeming a little strange, the heavily-armed boy standing in your driveway claims he's there for your protection.

There are dangerous thugs about. Anarchists and idea-logs, he nearly pronounces the word correctly despite his not yet finishing high school.

"It's my job," he claims proudly, stroking the trigger of his AR-15. "I want to help."

And maybe he's right. Maybe you should only be so grateful. Sure, your best guess as to why he chose your house over all the others on the block involves your blossoming teenage daughter; and sure, he has a bad habit of littering his Taco Bell wrappers on your lawn and firing aimlessly into the woods when he gets bored at night, but he seems mostly harmless.

As long as he stays outside. And out of the garage. There's beer in the fridge and he's far too young to drink.

Which reminds you, you really should get around to fixing the lock on that side door. There are radicals about.