Forced Homeschooling Tips for Below Average Parents

With more totalitarianistic state and school district officials across the country declaring that schools will remain closed in the Fall to reduce the number of people dying of CoVID-19, parents will have to continue to supervise the education of their own children. The following are some tips for homeschooling your kids:

• Don't homeschool them at all! Like Summer camp, arrange with the other parents in your community to send your kids away somewhere safe to learn by themselves. If you live by an island or an abandoned prison for example, these would serve perfectly. Stocked with plenty of food and books, and with the brightest students in each grade left in charge of course, these "Concentration Camps" would provide the perfect opportunity for your child to not be around so mommy can go back to work.

• Help facilitate a conducive learning environment by installing locks on the outside of your child's doors and windows. Also, make sure that there are no telephones in the room that they can use to call the police.

• Adding some extra insulation to your child's walls will provide you the quiet and privacy you deserve while watching TV or entertaining one of your man friends.

• As counter-intuitive as it may seem, bullying is an important component to your child's development. Hire some young toughs (wearing the appropriate masks and gloves, of course) to interrupt from time to time your child's studying to make fun of the clothes you buy for him and to throw his lunch over the backyard fence.

• Make sure your child is getting plenty of exercise and sunlight. Break up the school day with time off from studying to mow the lawn, paint the house, clean the gutters, etc.

• Motivate your child to excel academically with rewards for good grades. Like food and water, for example.

• Let's face it, with his father's brains, the kid isn't exactly Ivy League material anyway. Toss him a sponge and give him a headstart on washing dishes for a living.

• STEM (Science Technology Engineering Math) subjects have been given more emphasis by modern curriculums, but not in your classroom. In your house, it'll be all GOMFGMMAM (Get Out of My Face and Go Make Me a Margarita).

• Video games can actually teach children some very valuable skills. Like how to build cities, kill zombies, steal cars, whatever.

• Reading and math are the cornerstones of any child's education. Oh well.