Trump Authorizes New "Super Duper" Vaccine for Registered Democrats

One week after mobilizing the military to distribute a potential future vaccine against COVID-19, President Trump shocked the nation this morning when he announced that he has already approved just such a vaccine, and that widespread distribution among registered Democrats will begin immediately.

"It's a super vaccine. I call it a 'super-duper' vaccine, because it's so super, and so duper. It's really great. It's a wonderful vaccine. Just wonderful," the President remarked.

Calling his decision to offer his political rivals first access to the coveted prophylactic, "terrific" Trump reiterated his endorsement of the vaccine.

"It's a really fantastic vaccine. It's really, really great. Terrific. Couldn't be better," he said.

Added Trump: "Trust me, once you get this thing, you'll never have to worry about getting Coronavirus ever again."

However, appearing on Fox and Friends just minutes later, Trump admonished the show's conservative audience against the use of the same vaccine.

"It's pure poison," he winked.