DIY Mental Health Tips for the Clinically Insane

With a wide range of businesses and services remaining shuttered due to the Coronovirus pandemic, people are developing new skills for things they've previously hired others to do for them. From cooking their own pets to inking their own tattoos, folks are more self-sufficient than ever. Perhaps no DIY project is more important however than one's own mental health, as diagnosing and preventing any early-stage mental illness is more crucial than ever. The following are some tips for maintaining your mental and emotional well-being during these difficult times:

• As your own personal mental health professional, its up to you to determine your mental health. Looking yourself in the mirror, ask yourself if you're okay. If you don't get a response, try again, increasing the volume of your query while carefully assessing your reflection for signs of distress or anger, including violence should you start to try punch yourself in the face, badly injuring your hand.

• Check your brain for trouble spots by drilling through your skull and inspecting it with a bright flashlight. You made need to drill several holes to cover your entire brain.

• Your suspicions that your family are all plotting against you are correct. Keep them locked in the basement at all times.

• Find a pen pal... in yourself! Write yourself a letter, then take a walk to a public mailbox and drop it in. Don't forget to enclose a photo!

• Save the day by inventing a time machine! Your household appliances should contain all the parts you need.

• Mental and physical health go hand-in-hand, so take a walk! Back and forth across your living room floor about a thousand times. Ignore the pounding noises coming from the basement.

• Or... go for a swim! Fill an inflatable pool with water in your back yard, strip naked and do an hour of backstroke every day.

• It goes without saying that you need to tin foil all your windows to thwart government mind interference. What many don't know however is that with modern advances in psychic clairvoyance technology, you'll need a minimum of five layers to keep Big Brother's prying ears from listening to all your private thoughts.

• The government is using the Coronavirus hoax as an excuse to shut down the meat industry and turn everybody into a vegetarian. But, why? The smart money is that it's part of a population control project to turn people homosexual by spraying vegetables with gay chemicals. Make sure to eat only meat (dog food, if you have to) and masturbate to straight porn at least 5 times per day.

• Take up gardening. Growing your own jimsonweed and peyote will keep your brain operating at the higher level you'll need to recognize all the Deep State's dirty tricks.

• People will tell you to try to sleep a lot during the so-called pandemic because that's when they can steal your stuff. Try to stay awake and stay focused. Always focused. Focused.

• Try out a new recipe for the family! Those dirty backstabbers! Boil the cat with their cell phones and throw it down the basement stairs.