FDA Head Eric Trump Touts New Un-Inactivated Vaccine for Coronavirus

Newly appointed Food and Drug Administration Eric Trump announced today that a Coronavirus vaccine developed under his supervision could be ready for use within weeks.

The vaccine, a conjugate of multiple un-inactivated strains of COVID-19, has reportedly been shown to generate a strong immune response against the virus within a modified threshold of acceptable side-effects.

"It works real good. You squirt it into someone's arm and they won't ever get sick ever again," an excited Trump remarked.

Despite an accelerated round of clinical trials that showed that the vaccine precipitated a Corona-like syndrome in 30% of subjects innoculated - of whom nearly 10% later died - 100% of those in the test group were later shown to be resistant to COVID-19.

"Barely anyone dies. The others feel mostly fine and get a lollipop," Trump said.

Scientists outside of the FDA noted that those not wanting to wait for the new COVID-19 vaccine could probably go to their local urgent care center, touch a bunch of things and then put their fingers in their nose.