Steve Bullock Drops Out of Presidential Race, Kicked Out of House

Steve Bullock, a red state Democrat who pitched himself as being capable of winning over Republican voters, has announced that he will no longer seek the presidency.

Bullock, who in fact won over virtually no one during his seven-month-long candidacy, will reportedly also be stepping down as the head of the Bullock household, according to members of his family.

"It is true that Steve and I have agreed to separate and that he will be out of the house by Christmas," his wife Lisa confirmed. "I would like to ask the press as well as the public to continue to ignore us during this difficult and embarrassing time."

Bullock, whose polling numbers had at times threatened record lows for any major party candidate in modern history, was similarly dismissed by his 9-year-old daughter Nicki.

"99 people out of 100 don't like my dad. So why should I?" the girl reasoned. "Even Amy Klobuchar has 2%, and she's a total psycho."

Added the youngster: "I wish Tom Steyer was my dad. At least he's rich."

Meanwhile, a clearly deflated Bullock said that he is undecided on what he'll do next.

"I don't know. I guess I could get a job at a bank or Applebees or something. Maybe move back in with my mom," commented the former presidential hopeful. "Maybe start dating one of the few women out there who would've voted for me. Although they're probably all nuts."