Mount Everest, Maui Forest Preserve to be Destroyed for Public Safety

Citing the dozens of deaths and disappearances that have occurred in each during recent months, officials announced today the planned destruction of Mount Everest and the West Maui Forest Reserve.

Calling Everest, "Possibly the world's number one public safety hazard," Larry Thibidoux of the Global Safety Commission defended his organization's decision to demolish Earth's tallest mountain along with one of its most breathtaking tropical forests.

"The danger of these places can't be overstated. They attract people with their challenge and their beauty and the next thing you know your life is over and she's getting knocked up by her pilates instructor," Thibidoux stated.

"Like a bear trying to protect its cubs in the wild, these natural wonders need to be put down," Thibidoux continued. "The gold digging sluts."

Addressing arguments that if My. Everest is demolished thrill seekers will likely just migrate to K2, the world's next tallest mountain, Thibidoux was quick and to the point.

"Yeah, people are stupid," he remarked. "Take me for instance, for trusting my wife."

"And sure, so we'll just take that other mountain down as well," he added.

Most recently, the GSC has announced that friends and family of Maui's victims will be offered an opportunity for restitution by being allowed to take part in napalming its forests.

"This is healing," Thibidoux said.