Tips for Becoming the Next President of the United States
It's only twenty months until the next election, so if you're like most Americans and are running for President, it's time to kick off your campaign! The following are some tips that could help you achieve your goal:
• Try to avoid snapping photos of your penis and texting them to women. This is generally frowned upon. If you're a Republican however, you can simply say you that took them in a locker room, where the rules of common decency do not apply.
• Work to undermine your opponent's credibility by giving them an unflattering nickname, like, 'Frequently Dishonest Don', or 'Donald the Less Than Honest'. Or, if you're running as a Republican, 'Raping Joe' or 'Bernie the Baby Killer'.
• Be sure to emphasize the meager roots from which you grew to get to where you are now. How your mother and father stripped and mopped all day and night at the peep show where they met to put you through college. On the other hand, if you're a Republican, appeal to your blue collar base by being a billionaire who was born rich and has been maintaining his wealth by screwing working people ever since.
• Take the high road. People respond best to messages of inspiration and hope. If you're running as a Republican however, tell them about your plan to send all the (Non-Americans) back to (Wherever the hell they came from).
• If you see a baby, kiss it. Bonus points for a Republican who kisses one that was recently spared by a restrictive new abortion law before handing it back to its homeless mother.
• Social networking is serious business these days. Get one of your grandkids to teach you how! Or, if you're a Republican, just sit back while one of America's most bitter of historical enemies spreads the story that Elizabeth Warren is making kombucha from aborted babies on her lesbian Guatemalan orgy farm.
• It's debate time. Do your research! There's nothing more damaging to a candidate than to be seen as ignorant of the facts in public. On the other hand, if you're running as a Republican, know your childish insults! There's nothing more damaging to a GOP candidate than to not have ready a juvenile retort to your primary opponent's infantile remark about your stupid hair or yellow teeth. Shoot back that at least you don't have a old/ugly/midget wife.
• Preparedness is essential when addressing a crowd. A composed, coherent candidate with concise mastery of the policy points he or she wishes to emphasize will have the most persuasive influence over the electorate. Alternatively, if you're a Republican, take a moderate dose of mescaline before all public appearances and let fly. Babble at your audience about windmills spreading AIDS and the Mexicans making it impossible to sack the quarterback.