Local Barbecue Found with Weapons Grade Masculinity

FORT WORTH–An area residence is under investigation tonight after a vigilant neighbor, Sarah Noyeen, called in to report “dangerous levels of masculine behavior” happening right over their shared fence.

According to the neighbor, every weekend, Nathaniel Keen gets together with a group of man friends to mansplain the world’s issues and do God-else-knows-what.

“They drink tons of beer, tell inappropriate jokes, and even wrestle each other on the ground!” Sarah said with eyes widening. “They’re gross and needed to be stopped.”

At Sarah’s behest, a Neighborhood Watch team was assembled and sent to the house, along with two local security guards who normally patrol the area. The head of the Watch told us that she uncovered a stash of over 100 bottles of homemade BBQ sauce in the kitchen closet.

“We laid them all out,” the head of the Watch said, “each and every bottle–out on the lawn, along with BB guns, pellet guns, Nerf guns, and sticks that we believe were being used by kids as either swords or firearms.”

“We’re sending the BBQ off to the lab but we’re certain we’ll find weapons grade masculinity inside–we just can’t believe this was being done with children in the house!”