Deez Nuts Getting a Run for His Money from Newcomer Dem Dry Bones

"I am not a Democrat!" clarifies Mr. Bones.

photo credit: ozz13x

O SOONER HAD surprise candidate Deez Nuts garnered an impressive nine percent on a North Carolina poll than an even newer candidate came onto the scene to steal some of Mr. Nuts’ thunder.

Candidate Dem Dry Bones has just thrown his hat into the presidential race, taking Nuts and the rest of the media by complete surprise.

"First of all," said Mr. Bones, "I am not a Democrat! Don’t let my name fool you—I am a super-duper Independent!!"

When North Carolina’s neighboring state to the south was polled, Mr. Bones held a comfortable lead of four percentage points against Deez Nuts, despite not having released any specifics about his platform.

"The American people have spoken loud and clear!" declared Mr. Bones. "They don’t want Hillary. They don’t want Trump. And they sure as hell don’t want some loser named Deez Nuts!" he said. "The American people want a super-duper Independent!!"

Dem Dry Bones plans a whirlwind tour of the southern states, where he predicts he will "blow away the opposition." Then the super-duper Independent will head north to, as he put it, "show New York how to kiss my ass!" in order to erode both Donald Trump’s and Hillary Clinton’s support there.

Before heading to western states, Mr. Bones will head back south briefly "because I always forget about Florida way down there" in order to "show Jeb Bush how to kiss my ass!"

The super-duper Independent says he "can’t stand a guy with a name that ends with Bush and begins with Jeb" but will, while he’s in the Sunshine State "stock up on some Florida o.j., because I got nothin’ against the state personally, when I remember it’s down there."