The Top Ten Reasons Vampires Won’t Turn Trump Into The Undead

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1. Because he wants them to (vampires suffer from Oppositional Undeadfiance Disorder).

2. You need at least a 100 IQ to be turned, no exceptions (well, except Tom Cruise and Robert Pattinson). Vampires, as a rule, won’t turn children (so Trump’s 0 for 2).

3. No creature preternatural or otherwise would want to listen to Trump for multiple lifespans. Talk about term limits…

4. Orange is not the new black (or as Zano once said, Orange isn’t the new Barack).

5. Vampires only feed off warm-blooded creatures. Trump is already part of the reptilian agenda.

6. Because he likes his steak well done. 

7. No one wants to find out what he’ll look like minus the solar tanning booth.

8. Dracula is afraid Trump will tweet that all his wives are: Dogs! Total hellhounds. Woof!! All five are a five at best!! #Undeadtractive

9. As a vampire Trump would be invincible. A stake through the heart only works if you have one.

10. Vampires think he’d be a better witch, but Baba Yaga won’t return their calls.

 

 

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Alex Bone

Alex Bone

Alex Bone (Michael D. Griffiths) is a man who likes to keep busy, too bad it mostly involves cleaning squirrels. In the past, his writing has been published in numerous periodicals and anthologies sometimes even published by someone else. He was awarded first place in Withersin’s 666 contest, which he was told will later give him the Golden Ticket tour of the third plane of Hell. He is on the staff of The Daily Discord, Cyberwizard Productions, SFReader, and on the Board of Directors for the Society of Advanced Humans that Seek to Live as Viking Ninjas. His series The Chronicles of Jack Primus is available through Living Dead Press. After being bitten by a zombie, his attentions have turned toward the walking dead and he has begun a new Zombie Apocalypse series called the Eternal Aftermath. When he discovered that he was a cloned from Eric the Red’s DNA, he wrote the Science Fiction series Skinjumpers. Later while experimenting with strange fungus, he slipped into a Fantasy world ruled by the mad mage Dalsala Den.